By Snake and Fizz contributor Isaac G.
Slappy, your best midget friend, looks like this:
The holiday greeting cards you send to your parents are brutal and totally bloody awesome:
Your pet rodent drinks beer, shoots guns, and eats Slim Jims:
Your first movie star crush was Linda Blair from The Exorcist:
By Snake and Fizz contributor Isaac G.
Being gay in hell sucks.
My parents totally don’t get me. I’m supposed to be
this macho, blood-thirsty, monster who loves impaling people, but all
I want to do is dance and pound butt. I don’t enjoy the same
things that most demons do -- The Evil Dead, Cannibal Corpse, Hitler
house parties. I like watching “The Hills” in my jammies,
throwing on some LFO, and occasionally whacking to my life-sized
ALF poster (you know, the totally dreamy TV star from the 80’s.)
Sometimes, when I’m alone,
I cry. I cry because I know I will never be allowed to fall in
love with an ass that can crack walnuts. I will never be
able to fondle demon-meat without fear of redress. I will never
be able to stare into the dark, black, eyes of my luscious and say:
“Here’s looking at you, Demon. Now let me pulverize your hole.” One day I will step out of the torture closet. Until then, the
struggle continues. Does anybody have any orange Fanta?
By Snake & Fizz contributor Isaac G.
From Barack Obama promising an era of “change” to baseball clubs like the Yankees and Mets getting new stadiums, it is safe to say that things are not what they used to be. Change can be great, but sometimes it’s nice to know that there are things you can always count on. Here are just a few social constants that make us feel warm and fuzzy.
Oprah Will Always Be Fat.
Those in the media can analyze the ebb and flow of Oprah’s ass cellulite all they want, but to every red-blooded male, she will always be television’s anti-boner. And that’s a good thing, because there is something endearing about turning on the TV when you’re hung-over and seeing Oprah’s gargantuan arm chubbies flailing about. Her truck-ass has become part of Americana, much like apple pie or the first Guns ‘N’ Roses album. I bet our ancestors will look back at our social history and be like: “Wow, that black chick on TV is really unattractive and fat. I’m not even kidding, did she eat all her money? Fat.”
Mexicans Will Always Wear Shirts On The Beach.
Being a Hispanic myself, I often ponder what it is about the culture that compels us to wear shirts on the beach. Is it body image? Fear of sun? A free wash? Some strange connection to the conquistadors of the 16th century? Whatever the reason, next time you go to the beach, count on seeing a gaggle of Hispanics splashing around with “Mannywood” T-shirts on. Case in point, check out the guy in the background without a shirt. He’s totally confused. “Hey, where the hell’s my shirt? W-T-F?”
Matthew McConaughey Movies Will Always Blow.
I’m sure you’re familiar with the Matthew McConaughey movie negotiation. Your girlfriend, in a whiny/sexy voice, goes: “Let’s go see (insert shitty Matthew McConaughey rom-com here).” And then you go: “Fine, but it’ll cost you 2 BJ’s and a 12-pack.” Point is: chicks think this guy is actually entertaining, and because that is true, the industry will always peddle his cinematic mud-butt, much to the chagrin of every man on the planet. Oh, how I hate you, Matthew McConaughey.
Bob Dylan Will Always Release New Music and Will Never Die.
I love Dylan, don’t get me wrong. The patron saint of the sixties counter-culture. A masterful songsmith. A man with few peers (except maybe Tom Waits. Oh, and Slayer. SLAYER!). But he is also, well…OLD AS F**k. Every coupla' years, he comes out with a new album that only wilted flower-children buy. Then, he goes on some corporate stadium tour where he is wheeled out on stage like a cancer patient, grunts a few senile, slurred, phrases, rips a dusty fart that nobody can call him on because he’s Bob Dylan, and expires to hang out with Andy Rooney. Hendrix has been enjoying his stay in heaven doing mounds of yack off of strippers asses for decades, and yet Dylan is still here preaching to a generation that watches "American Idol" and goes to Perez Hilton for information. Dylan will always be around to remind us of how much we have grown to suck as a society. News flash Zimmy—the Modern Times ain’t so great.
It's a service we provide: Educating the world's youth about language and communication. That's why we feature the Urban Dictionary quite often on our site. Today's term is "hanging brain" Below, you will find the three entries -- with examples -- of the term. Now you can be as streetwise as your grandmum!
1. The act of pulling one's scrotum (testicles included) through the opening in one's pants or shorts, thus exposing the beauty of one's gonads for all to admire. Named for the remarkable resemblance of the display to a human brain, hanging in the breeze.
Dude was hanging brain at The Coney for almost an hour before he got busted by some chick drinking Yeungling.
2. When your balls hang out the leg of your shorts and you are not even aware of it. This commonly occurs when you lean back and put your legs up, while in a seated position and you're rockin short, loose-fitting bottoms, i.e., short shorts or short swim trunks.
Being stoned helps, too. This occurs with a much higher degree of frequency in wearers of boxers than in wearers of more supportive undergarments.
Did you see that? Tom was hanging brain the whole time he was hitting on that chick! I wonder if she noticed?
3. Another way of saying just chilling. or nothin....common replies to the question of "whats up?" or "whats going on?"
or
The means in wanting to "get some" or have some sort of sexual activity with the opposite sex.
Guy1: Hey, yo Dood? Was good?
Guy2: Ow just hanging brain, Man.
or
Guy1: What do you wanna do, Mayne?
Guy2: All I know, is I wanna hang brain!
Guy1: K. Lets call some girls!
So go tell your friends, Kids. And use it in a sentence.
(Major tips o' the mug to the first entry for working one of our favorites -- Yeungling -- into the definition.)
Our mates, Nickelback, wrote this song as lads, inspired by the rockstar lifestyle of Snake and Fizz.
So to show you how it's REALLY done, here's a video clip from our upcoming show, 'Snake and Fizz: Never Gonna Quit!'
Today's Fun with Google Images phrase is: Man Boobs.
10. Dude Claims to have been Raped in the Park
Obviously, Burt and Ernie were bored one night and decided to try out Burt's new Indian accent. Unfortunately, the rape in the park story rang a little too true for Ernie.
9. Permission to have Sex with the Homeless
Someone's gotta' get them out of the soup kitchens and into the love pudding.
8. The Song Request
Had he requested some Snake & Fizz, they would've played it.
7. Itchy Balls
If we had a dime...
We have snapshots of one of Snake and Fizz's latest children (DNA test is pending) -- allegedly -- and we thought we'd pass it along. What a cute little wanker.
We've been known to spend months in a dive bar or two, surviving on nothing but Juicy Fruit and Guiness. So on that note, click on the link below to check out a solid list of our favorites.
We've all seen the long version and the short version. Let's enjoy the short version again, shall we?
It was said 281 times, but who's counting?
Why? Because we're drunk right now, Bitches!
This beauty comes via our pals at Holy Taco.
It's a foregone conclusion that Snake and Fizz are expected to be induction in the soon to be opened Rock and Roll Hall of Fame in New York City. Didn't hear about the Hall's expansion? Via CNN:
The Rock and Roll Hall of Fame is coming to New York. Mayor Michael Bloomberg is expected to announce Wednesday that the Cleveland-based museum and hall of fame is opening an annex in downtown Manhattan. Billy Joel and Clive Davis are going to join the mayor at the location in the SoHo neighborhood. It will be the first time the hall of fame has expanded outside Cleveland. The 25,000-square-foot annex will house Bruce Springsteen's 1957 Chevy and will feature a number of different exhibits, including one featuring New York City-based sites that have musical significance.
While no wanker from the Hall of Fame has indicated such recognition for us just yet, that's fine by us. Snake and Fizz love surprises!
It sucks more ass than ever that we have to do another tribute so soon, but one of Snake and Fizz's dear friends has passed. She was a great writer, artist, and a beautiful woman -- even though she didn't own up to it. Have one in her memory this weekend and watch this video that was a favorite of hers.
This is our official 100th blog posting. We rock the panties, don't we?
Pussy...cat Dolls.
The MTV Movie Awards went down last night in Hollywood. For a full recap and to watch the show, go here. We can basically give you a quick rundown.
The Pussycat Dolls are hot. Seth Rogen and James Franco smoked a J on stage. Megan Fox is smoking hot. Tom Cruise has white teeth. Rainn Wilson is white and pasty. Wayne and Garth showed up.
And the afterparty rocked!
7. Friday
Terrible television.
6. Wednesday
Why do people insist on making Hump Day jokes?
5. Tuesday
It's just dumb.
3 & 4. Tie: Monday & Saturday
Monday being the worst day is a cliche, but it shouldn't be because it would sound cool as the name of an ice cream sundae. Saturday is alright for fighting, so that ranks high in our book.
2. Thursday
We once witnessed a leprechaun punch a one-eyed hooker on a Thursday. And that's always cool.
1. Sunday
Because that's our fun day.
