Top 5 Cool California Collegian Activities
By Snake and Fizz contributor Randy Walker
At one time California was the coolest place in America, if not the universe. Shit, even those that hated America had some California love in their pants. I mean, we’re talking about the state that pretty much single-handedly invented film, gold, porn, and Mexicans. In its heyday, California was like the good-looking jock at school that always had a spot at the cool table during lunch. But today, thanks to a record-breaking unemployment level (hi, Mom!), a bankrupt government, and a never-ending Kim Kardashian reality TV show, California has become a laughingstock to the rest of the country. Cali no longer sits at the cool table, now it pulls its hat over its acne-scarred face and sits at the wobbly table with the asthmatic Midwest states.
But all is not lost for the once reigning king of cool. While things may be in the toilet in the real world, the blissful world of college is still as strong as ever. And in the college world California is still the f'ing Fonz. You doubt me? Well, then I invite you to try out the top five California Collegian Activities and then try to tell me California ain’t legit.
5. Floating at Chico State
Do you remember the beginning of the classic film Billy Madison where a drunken Adam Sandler is floating on an inner tube, splashing the water with his feet, and grinning like a child? Do you remember the sun lotion smiley face on his chest? Well, that could be your smiley face, all you gotta do is head up to Chico with a case of booze, an inner tube, and a couple of friends. If drunkenly floating down a slow river doesn’t sound that cool, don’t worry, because at the end of the float you will reach Beer Can Beach. Beer Can Beach is actually an island, an island filled with lots of debauchery, a little insanity and even less clothing. It’s pretty freakin’ cool.
4. First Rain at UC Santa Cruz
Speaking of exposed skin, after you’re done drowning in sin at Chico State, head south and cleanse yourself at Santa Cruz with a brisk run in the rain. What’s so cool about running in the rain? Oh nothing, aside from the fact that while you run both your Snoopy and your Charlie Browns will be in full public view. Participating in First Rain is a ballsy move, and ballsy is cool. Know this though: First Rain is not an activity for the faint hearted or the sound minded, but if you can stomach the sight of bare bruised breasts as well as a misguided attempt at political change then this is an activity you simply cannot miss.
3. Halloween Night at UC Santa Barbara
UC Santa Barbara on Halloween night is probably the only event where all of the Ten Commandments are broken at the same time. The entire college town is invaded with party crazed deviants disguised as pop culture icons. Who would want to go to this depraved event? You, that's who. Don’t lie to yourself. It’s gonna be a cool time, so don’t be late. And don’t dress like Travis Bickle from Taxi Driver cause that shit has played out down there.
2. Fountain Run at USC
Truthfully I haven’t done this one yet, but it sounds amazing. There are thirty-eight fountains on the USC campus and every year the freshmen and the seniors jump into each one and take a shot of booze (or at least they try). If that pitch doesn’t sell you, nothing will. Personally I’ve always had a bit of a fountain fetish, probably because society always forbids you from jumping into one and that's where homeless people bathe. See, this is a perfect example of why California is cool: we take the rules that are handed to us and we toss them aside. We see the signs warning us not to do something, but we do it anyways, 'cause we’re cool (and currently bankrupt). Anyway, the fountain run takes place at the end of the school year, so we just missed it. Damn it, now every time I see a fountain I’m gonna' get another erection.
1. Riding Ice at UCLA
And finally, the number one Cool California Collegian Activity is: Ice riding at UCLA. This is actually more fun than it sounds. You take a block of ice and you ride down a campus hill at night. Of course, you need to put a towel over the ice or your ass will freeze to it. And you can’t really brake either, but that doesn’t matter because you don’t go that fast anyway (fast enough to snap your neck, but life is about chances, right?). And nobody really drinks beforehand...you know what, I’m having trouble remembering why ice riding is cool. In all honesty, I can’t stop thinking about jumping into a fountain. F-this. I think I’m gonna' buy a bottle of JD and stop by USC tonight...and I think I’ll pick up an inner tube on my way over there! With any luck, by tomorrow I’ll have a new Cool California Collegian activity that’s sure to be worthy of the number one spot. Till then, stay cool everyone. Stay Californian bankrupt cool.
We don't always repost our genius, but you've been asking for it. Many of you have come to us in the past for advice on throwing the best parties and a while back we decided it was time to provide a visual aid (see above) along with our preferred party checklist (see below). You're welcome.
