(Snake and Fizz are rockstars and the twisted wankers behind this site. Follow them on Twitter.)
Partying Yo' Arse Off
January 20, 2012
March 09, 2011
June 03, 2009
Top 5 Cool California Collegian Activities
By Snake and Fizz contributor Randy Walker
At one time California was the coolest place in America, if not the universe. Shit, even those that hated America had some California love in their pants. I mean, we’re talking about the state that pretty much single-handedly invented film, gold, porn, and Mexicans. In its heyday, California was like the good-looking jock at school that always had a spot at the cool table during lunch. But today, thanks to a record-breaking unemployment level (hi, Mom!), a bankrupt government, and a never-ending Kim Kardashian reality TV show, California has become a laughingstock to the rest of the country. Cali no longer sits at the cool table, now it pulls its hat over its acne-scarred face and sits at the wobbly table with the asthmatic Midwest states.
But all is not lost for the once reigning king of cool. While things may be in the toilet in the real world, the blissful world of college is still as strong as ever. And in the college world California is still the f'ing Fonz. You doubt me? Well, then I invite you to try out the top five California Collegian Activities and then try to tell me California ain’t legit.
5. Floating at Chico State
Do you remember the beginning of the classic film Billy Madison where a drunken Adam Sandler is floating on an inner tube, splashing the water with his feet, and grinning like a child? Do you remember the sun lotion smiley face on his chest? Well, that could be your smiley face, all you gotta do is head up to Chico with a case of booze, an inner tube, and a couple of friends. If drunkenly floating down a slow river doesn’t sound that cool, don’t worry, because at the end of the float you will reach Beer Can Beach. Beer Can Beach is actually an island, an island filled with lots of debauchery, a little insanity and even less clothing. It’s pretty freakin’ cool.
4. First Rain at UC Santa Cruz
Speaking of exposed skin, after you’re done drowning in sin at Chico State, head south and cleanse yourself at Santa Cruz with a brisk run in the rain. What’s so cool about running in the rain? Oh nothing, aside from the fact that while you run both your Snoopy and your Charlie Browns will be in full public view. Participating in First Rain is a ballsy move, and ballsy is cool. Know this though: First Rain is not an activity for the faint hearted or the sound minded, but if you can stomach the sight of bare bruised breasts as well as a misguided attempt at political change then this is an activity you simply cannot miss.
3. Halloween Night at UC Santa Barbara
UC Santa Barbara on Halloween night is probably the only event where all of the Ten Commandments are broken at the same time. The entire college town is invaded with party crazed deviants disguised as pop culture icons. Who would want to go to this depraved event? You, that's who. Don’t lie to yourself. It’s gonna be a cool time, so don’t be late. And don’t dress like Travis Bickle from Taxi Driver cause that shit has played out down there.
2. Fountain Run at USC
Truthfully I haven’t done this one yet, but it sounds amazing. There are thirty-eight fountains on the USC campus and every year the freshmen and the seniors jump into each one and take a shot of booze (or at least they try). If that pitch doesn’t sell you, nothing will. Personally I’ve always had a bit of a fountain fetish, probably because society always forbids you from jumping into one and that's where homeless people bathe. See, this is a perfect example of why California is cool: we take the rules that are handed to us and we toss them aside. We see the signs warning us not to do something, but we do it anyways, 'cause we’re cool (and currently bankrupt). Anyway, the fountain run takes place at the end of the school year, so we just missed it. Damn it, now every time I see a fountain I’m gonna' get another erection.
1. Riding Ice at UCLA
And finally, the number one Cool California Collegian Activity is: Ice riding at UCLA. This is actually more fun than it sounds. You take a block of ice and you ride down a campus hill at night. Of course, you need to put a towel over the ice or your ass will freeze to it. And you can’t really brake either, but that doesn’t matter because you don’t go that fast anyway (fast enough to snap your neck, but life is about chances, right?). And nobody really drinks beforehand...you know what, I’m having trouble remembering why ice riding is cool. In all honesty, I can’t stop thinking about jumping into a fountain. F-this. I think I’m gonna' buy a bottle of JD and stop by USC tonight...and I think I’ll pick up an inner tube on my way over there! With any luck, by tomorrow I’ll have a new Cool California Collegian activity that’s sure to be worthy of the number one spot. Till then, stay cool everyone. Stay Californian bankrupt cool.
May 02, 2009
Back By Popular Demand: The Party Checklist
We don't always repost our genius, but you've been asking for it. Many of you have come to us in the past for advice on throwing the best parties and a while back we decided it was time to provide a visual aid (see above) along with our preferred party checklist (see below). You're welcome.
Fat Dude -- Check
Fat Dude Who Can "Sky" Ninja-Style -- Check
Fat Dude with Shirt Open and Wearing a Tie -- Check
Computer Code Projected Onto Wall -- Check
Roll of Printing Paper (Stolen from Local Wendy's Cash Register) -- Check
Bling Hanging on School Backpack -- Check
Dainty Tablecloth with Rocking Horse Pattern -- Check
Elijah Wood Hanging Out in the Background -- Check
Dual-Colored Mangina Showing Through Rip in Crotch -- Check
Note: Party Douchebags can be found in prep schools and hanging out in the Applebee's parking lot.
October 16, 2008
Early Weekend Party Checklist
Many of you have come to us in the past for advice on throwing the best parties. We figured it was time to provide a visual aid along with our preferred party checklist.
Fat Dude -- Check
Fat Dude Who Can "Sky" Ninja-Style -- Check
Fat Dude with Shirt Open and Wearing a Tie -- Check
Computer Code Projected Onto Wall -- Check
Roll of Printing Paper (Stolen from Local Wendy's Cash Register) -- Check
Bling Hanging on School Backpack -- Check
Dainty Tablecloth with Rocking Horse Pattern -- Check
Elijah Wood Hanging Out in the Background -- Check
Dual-Colored Mangina Showing Through Rip in Crotch -- Check
Note: Party Douchebags can be found in prep schools and hanging out in the Applebee's parking lot.
August 08, 2008
Fun with Google Images: Vomit
A new feature on the Rock Star Diaries is something we like to call "Fun with Google Images". You basically choose a random word and type it into Google Image Search. Then you ponder the first image that comes up.
Today's word is: Vomit
Rehab for Howard Stern Sideshow
Artie Lange has entered rehab. Via MSN:
The Howard Stern sidekick checked into an "intensive" outpatient rehab program on Sunday, Aug. 3, instead of attending the Comedy Central roast for pal Bob Saget, confirms spokesperson Lewis Kay.The comedian also canceled his stand-up shows over the weekend.
Lange, 40, has struggled with drugs, a drinking problem and his weight for a long time, even prompting fans to predict his early demise.
Quitter.
June 02, 2008
Monday's Quick Celeb Dish
Tatum O'Neal...a friend of crack.
In the news today...
Tatum O'Neal buys some rock in Manhattan. She should've just bought weed and used the extra cash on a face lift.
Kelsey Grammer has a heart attack. We doubt if it was all those years of drug and alcohol abuse.
Sex and the City made $56 million over the weekend. Sure, we'd shag three of the four dames, but that still doesn't make it a good movie.
May 11, 2008
Party Like a 13-Year-Old
We can't wait to party with this kid.
A 13 year old from Texas who stole his Dad's credit card and ordered two hookers from an escort agency, has today been convicted of fraud and given a three year community order.Ralph Hardy, a 13 year old from Newark, Texas confessed to ordering an extra credit card from his father's existing credit card company, and took his friends on a $30,000 spending spree, culminating in playing "Halo" on an Xbox with a couple of hookers in a Texas motel.
The credit card company involved said it was regular practice to send extra credit cards out as long as all security questions are answered.
The escort girls who were released without charge, told the arresting officers something was up when the kids said they would rather play Xbox than get down to business.
Police said they were alerted to the motel by a concerned delivery clerk, whom after delivering supplies of Dr Pepper, Fritos and Oreos had been asked by the kids where they could score some chicks and were willing to pay. They explained they had just made a big score at a "World of Warcraft" tournament and wanted to get some relaxation. On noting the boys age the delivery clerk informed the authorities.
When police arrived at the motel they found $3,000 in cash, numerous electronic gadgets, an Xbox video console with numerous games, and the two local escort girls.
Ralph had reportedly told police that his father wouldn't mind, as it was his birthday last week and he had forgot to get him a present. The father, a lawyer said he had been too busy, but would take him on a surprise trip to Disneyland instead.
Asked why he ordered two escorts, Ralph said he thought it was the thing to do when you win a "World of Warcraft" tournament. They told the suspicious working girls they were people of restricted growth working with a traveling circus, and as State law does not allow those with disabilities to be discriminated against they had no right to refuse them.
The $1,000 a night girls sensing something up played "Halo" on the Xbox with the kids, instead of selling their sexual services.
We'd like to pound a pint with our Holy Taco friends for pointing this out to us.
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