Snake & Fizz: Rock Star Diaries

Big Pile of Dog S**t!

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By Snake and Fizz contributor Jerry Lucio

The Guardian UK has posted a story about a 4-year-old idiot kid that flushed his puppy down the toilet -- while he was bathing it. The 1-week-old cocker (hee, hee) spaniel puppy was put in the toilet because he was muddy. The family quickly called Dyno Rod, a plumbing company, and incidentally a name inspired by one of Snake and Fizz's night outs. The above video is of the rescue of the muddy pooch. I love the way the camera they stuck down the drain keeps passing piles and piles of feces before reaching the puppy. Son, I think your puppy is now not only muddy, but smells like the inside of a homeless man's butt cheeks. And is it just me, or is watching this video like looking inside a womb? Thank you, Dyno-Rod. Thank you.

Dog Strollers

By Snake and Fizz contributor Joel Stice

Remember when people used to walk their dogs on leashes? That was so 2007. The dog stroller saves your pampered pet from having to actually walk around, sniff other dogs' arses, or take a dump in the grass like those less sophisticated mongrels. And as a bonus it informs everyone you pass –- “I’m a total tool, please avoid me at all costs."

Cops Are Wankers

Reason #5,972 why cops are wankers.

Another Reason Fat Chicks Shouldn't Wear Thongs

Sure this happened a while ago, but it's lesson still holds true.

Athletes Are Dumb

Because people getting hurt by being stupid is good comedy (via Fail Blog).

Breast Video

Little known fact: breast feeding until you're 15 is legal in 26 states.

Greatest line from the video: "It's better than mango, even."

A Hump Day Humping Video

GnR Gets Douchebag Arrested

Moments before Axl smashed a Coors Light bottle across The Greatest's forehead...

Here's the long and short of it from MSN:

Federal authorities say they have arrested a blogger suspected of streaming songs from Guns N' Roses unreleased album, "Chinese Democracy," on his Web site.

FBI agents arrested 27-year-old Kevin Cogill on Wednesday morning on suspicion of violating federal copyright laws. Federal authorities say Cogill posted nine unreleased Guns N' Roses songs on his Web site in June.

The songs were later removed.

According to an arrest affidavit, Cogill admitted to agents that he posted the songs on his Web site.

Cogill is just a squirrel trying to get a nut, and now his nuts will be "got by squirrels" in the big house. That'll teach you to steal our Rock 'n Roll, Jackass. And according to a recent report, a blogger's average salary is $673.12 per year, so Cogill should have no problem making bail. Godspeed, Bitch of Cell Block D.

Breaking News: Big Foot Found Dead!

First of all, Big Foot kicks ass. Second of all, people from Georgia (the state, not the country getting their ass handed to them by Russia right now) are crazy. Third, is it weird we want to eat this? Oh, and apparently Big Foot died and we think everyone should drink a pint in his memory.

And by the by, the hairy bugger had to live with a smelly joint his whole life, as evidenced at the 1:05 mark in the below video. We should all drink another pint for him and the misery he must have dealt with every day of his smelly, hairy life. Rock on forever, Mr. Foot.

Matthew McConaughey to Destroy All Fruits & Veggies

Matthew McConaughey -- you probably would only recognize him without his shirt -- has done some bizarre things, like play bongos whilst naked and shaved his head after having a few too many. But who hasn't done something bizarre? We're not judging. Fizz once locked himself between the doors of adjoining hotel rooms. Snake entered into serious discussions with a plastic surgeon about removing his feet and replacing them with goat hooves. Bizarre to some, normal to stars like us.

But now the shirtless guy from A Time To Kill has gone too far. Check this out from MSN:

Matthew McConaughey says the birth of his son will help bring a little joy to others in the world someday. The actor kept the placenta from the July birth of his son and plans to plant it in an orchard, he tells CNN's "House Call with Dr. Sanjay Gupta" in an interview scheduled to air in two parts Aug. 9 and Aug 16.

McConaughey says he hopes it will fertilize the land, a ritual long followed in several cultures.

"It's going to be in the orchards and it's going to bear some wonderful fruit," he says, according to an interview transcript. "When I was in Australia, they had a placenta tree that was on the river ... and all the placentas of all that tribe, all that clan, whatever aboriginal tribe that was, all the placentas went under that one tree and it was this huge behemoth of just health and strength.

"This tree was just growing taller and stronger above the rest of Mother Nature around it. It was gorgeous."

Hmmm, things to do today for Snake and Fizz:

1. Throw out anything grown in Australia
2. Plot to kill Matthew McConaughey
3. Get drunk
4. Score some Asian chicks
5. Take down that Matthew McConaughey poster

How To Manage Your Money, by Ed McMahon

Looking to hold onto your home? Who better than multi-millionaire Ed McMahon to tell you how?

The former "Star Search" host was $644,000 behind on payments on $4.8 million in mortgage loans when a unit of Countrywide Financial Corp. filed a default notice Feb. 28 with the Los Angeles County Recorder's Office, The Wall Street Journal first reported late Tuesday.

McMahon, 85, has been a pitchman for the American Family Publishers' sweepstakes.

However, he has been unable to work as a pitchman for various products since he broke his neck 18 months ago, said his spokesman, Howard Bragman.

"There are plenty of people affected by the weak economy, bad housing market or bad health," Bragman said.

McMahon has been in "very fruitful discussions" with the lender to resolve the situation, Bragman said. But it's unclear whether McMahon and his wife, Pamela, will remain in the home.

A telephone message left for Countrywide early Wednesday was not immediately returned.

The six-bedroom, five-bath house is in a hilltop gated community overlooking Mulholland Drive called The Summit and is listed for sale at $6.25 million. It has been on the market two years, according to real estate agent Alex Davis, who has the listing.

Snake and Fizz aren't real estate agents, but "on the market for two years"? Perhaps a new agent would be in order...

Snake & Fizz...Actors?

Snake & Fizz -- like most celebs -- have been approached many times about starring in feature films and TV shows. We know we're naturals at the craft, but our moron manager tried to make us go to acting classes anyway. We checked out a few and decided against it. Much like this mindless sham that drains the money of LA's most gullible.

The Worst Metal Song Ever to Crack the Top Ten

Here's the worst metal song ever. Just because you have long hair and drums does make you legit. But keep up the praying, because that will drive gas prices down.

Douchebags.

Buckle Up the Beer, Not the Baby

This sort of mess is avoidable.

We already told you they know how to party in Australia. It also appears they put safety first when getting the supplies to the party. Read on, Mates...

DARWIN, Australia - An Australian man has been fined after buckling in a case of beer with a seat belt but leaving a 5-year-old child to sit on the car’s floor, police said Tuesday.

Constable Wayne Burnett said he was “shocked and appalled” when he pulled over the unregistered car Friday in the central Australian town of Alice Springs.

The 30-can beer case was strapped in between two adults sitting in the back seat of the car. The child was also in back, but on the car’s floor.

“The child was sitting in the lump in the center, unrestrained,” Burnett told reporters Tuesday.

“I haven’t ever seen something like this before,” he said. “This is the first time that the beer has taken priority over a child.”

The driver was fined 750 Australian dollars — about $710 — for driving an unregistered and uninsured vehicle and for failing to ensure a child was wearing a safety belt.

Come on. The beers were in cans and we all know what a mess that is if a can is dropped onto the plush interior of a moving vehicle. Australian authorities need to worry about catching the real criminals, like the chefs who cook Outback Steakhouse's bloody terrible food, or blokes who enjoy relations with kangaroos.

Australians Know How To Party

Acting School, by David Hasselhoff

The Hoff puts on an acting clinic in this Baywatch clip.

Party Balloons = Idiot of the Month

David Hasselhoff's Cover Tunes

To commemorate David Hasselhoff's divorce settlement yesterday with ex-wife Pamela Bach, we thought we'd kick off our first of many features centered around the entertainment prowess of The Hoff. Today's feature: the worst eight of Hasselhoff's "music" covers.

In no particular order...

His timeless cover of "Secret Agent Man".

Hass was voted off the island after belting out "Limbo Dance".

"Hooked on a Feeling"? From the looks of it, he's hooked on acid.

"Du". When translated into English, means "Poop".

Old Dames Lose Shirts By Getting Naked

We just heard about some old dames in Spain that tried to mimic the success of some of our favorite British dames -- the ones who got naked and posed for a calendar to raise money for charity -- and are now in debt. The calendar didn't sell quite as well as they had hoped and now the seven middle-aged floozies are in the hole to the tune of $16,000. That's a lot of pounds.

What we can all learn from this: middle-aged people have no business taking off their clothes. Even in the shower. We should know. We're very familiar with old people.

Dr. Drew is the Anti-Christ

Dr. Drew was hard on us when we were in rehab, but he didn't break us. Unlike some of those quitters from his recent show. Aside from trying to rid the world of all that makes us happy, Drew is also an opera singer. It's obvious we've uncovered the identity of the anti-christ.