Snake & Fizz: Rock Star Diaries

No Arms + Booze + Nudity = DUI Party

Sometimes we miss a story that's just pure gold -- not that alcohol would have anything to do with that -- but we still have to post it. This one might rank up there with the trash bag-wearing Darth Vader beating the church people with a crutch after downing a box of wine. From Steinberg Inc, circa 2007:

Romanian police have arrested a naked man with no hands for drink driving.

Officers pulled over his car after seeing it swerving from side to side on a busy road.

They were shocked to find disabled driver Aurel Olteanu, 23, naked in his BMW 3 series in the seaside resort of Mamaia.

Police spokesperson Marius Ghita said: “He had no licence, but told us his he had developed his own special way of driving.

“He said he had been sunbathing on a nudist beach and was travelling home. He had not dressed because he was in a hurry.”

Olteanu who was twice over the legal alcohol limit has been charged with dangerous driving.

Let's break down the fantastic elements in this story:

1) The cop who was quoted was also obviously drinking as well. Or maybe they just talk funny in Romania.

2) If he has no hands, how did he get naked in the first place...or did he just never get dressed after getting his limbs lopped off?

3) Where is the address of said nude beach that embraces limbless mates? That just sounds like a party.

4) How did he get so drunk without being able to lift a glass of booze? That's some monkey-style shit.

5) We're rockstars with our hands and we don't drive a BMW III. How does this bloke get one?

6) Driving with no hands is nothing new. We've been driving with our willies since we were twelve.

7) Where the hell is Romania anyway? Isn't that the magical place where midgets store our nightmares?

At least he has a bitchin' tan now.

Top Five DUI Videos

Here are our five favorite DUI videos:

#5

#4

#3

The top two after the jump...

DUI Video of the Week

DUI of the Week: Shia LaBeouf

We're celebrities. It's what we do. Via MSN:

Lawyers for Shia LaBeouf say his hand was "crushed" in the wreck that flipped his truck last weekend, and he still runs the risk of infection and other complications.

LaBeouf was injured in the late-night crash last Sunday in West Hollywood, Calif. He was cited for DUI but was found not to be at fault.

"Shia's left hand was crushed," read a statement released to The Associated Press on Friday from Michael Norris, a lawyer for the "Indiana Jones" actor. It added that his left arm was immobilized and that the production of the "Transformers" sequel was shifted around to accommodate his recovery.

Michael Bay is working with the actor filming the sequel to their 2007 hit "Transformers." Bay told "Access Hollywood" in an interview airing Friday that the script may need to be adjusted because of the injury.

"His two fingers are pretty smashed, but we're figuring out a way to shoot around it, kind of write it into the story," Bay told the syndicated entertainment program.

We'd be remiss not to use this opportunity to teach a lesson. Please watch the below video for a valuable life lesson.

An Homage to Our Drunken Comrades

Steven Tyler Falls off the 20 Year Wagon

If Joan Rivers procreated with a muppet...

Our pal Steven Tyler quit the fruits of life back in the 80's and became...well, bloody dull. But he recently started sampling substances again and is now headed to Amy Winehouse's world.

Aerosmith frontman Steven Tyler has checked himself into rehab for treatment of substance abuse. The 60-year-old rocker has admitted himself to a Pasadena, California clinic for unspecified treatment. The former hell-raiser managed to stay sober for 20 years before re-entering a substance abuse program. He first sought treatment in 1986 after finding himself under pressure from his bandmates to clean up his act. According to website Tmz.com, Tyler will undergo detox at Las Encinas Hospital drug rehabilitation clinic - the same facility where Hollywood Madame Heidi Fleiss, rocker Sebastian Bach and pop star Aaron Carter will be treated as they make a public attempt at sobriety on reality TV program Celebrity Rehab next month. The singer and Aerosmith guitarist Joe Perry were dubbed the Toxic Twins for their legendary intake of heroin and stimulants before the band's demanding schedule clashed with their major drug abuse, leading to their brief disbanding in the 1980s. It has been a tough month for the rocker, whose daughter Liv Tyler recently went public with her split from rocker husband Royston Langdon. Tyler credited his actress daughter's influence for his first successful attempt at sobriety. Tyler's spokesperson has declined to comment on his current condition.

Rumor has it when Steven strolled up to the front of the center to check in, an orderly opened the door and said, "Walk this way." That's just lame, Mate.

But at least the lovely Liv is single again.

Darth Vader Drinks Box Wine

If it happened in our homeland, you know it's gotta' be rock 'n roll fun. This little party involves members of a Jedi church, a box of wine, and Darth Vader.

HOLYHEAD, Wales - A man who dressed up as Darth Vader, wearing a garbage bag for a cape, and assaulted the founders of a group calling itself the Jedi church was given a suspended sentence Tuesday.

Arwel Wynne Hughes, 27, attacked Jedi church founder Barney Jones — aka Master Jonba Hehol — with a metal crutch, hitting him on the head, prosecutors told Holyhead Magistrates' Court.

He also whacked Jones' 18-year-old cousin, Michael Jones — known as Master Mormi Hehol — bruising his thigh in the March 25 incident, prosecutors said.

The two cousins and Barney Jones' brother, Daniel, set up the Church of Jediism, Anglesey order, last year. Jedi is the faith followed by some of the central characters in the "Star Wars" films.

The group, which claims about 30 members, says on its Web site that it uses "insight and knowledge" from the films as "a guide to living a better and more worthwhile life."

"We all love the films and what they stand for. Obviously some people are going to laugh about it," the Wales on Sunday newspaper quoted Barney Jones as saying last month. "But a lot of people do take it seriously."

Unfortunately for Hughes, his March attack was recorded on a video camera that the cousins had set up to film themselves in a light saber battle.

"Darth Vader! Jedis!" Hughes shouted as he approached.

Hughes claimed he couldn't remember the incident, having drunk the better part of a 2 1/2-gallon box of wine beforehand.

"He knows his behavior was wrong and didn't want it to happen but he has no recollection of it," said Hughes' lawyer, Frances Jones.

District Judge Andrew Shaw sentenced Hughes to two months in jail but suspended the sentence for one year. He also ordered Hughes to pay $195 to each of his victims and $117 in court costs.

In the 2001 United Kingdom census, 390,000 — 0.7 percent of the population — listed Jedi as their religion.

So let's sort this: Darth Vader guzzled a spot the better portion of a box of wine, then donned a garbage bag for a cape -- because that's how Vader rolls. Then DV packs his weapon of choice -- a metal crutch -- and proceeds to bludgeon members of the Jedi church. Two of the guys involved like to be called "Hehol" (pronounced He Hole, as in hole of a man), and this all went down in "Holyhead".

This was the greatest party this earth has ever known. We're sorry we missed it.

Lindsay Lohan's New Gig...Sorta'

Lindsay Lohan's mug shot was used in a campaign bashing lawmakers' efforts -- efforts to outfit automobiles with devices that measure a driver's blood alcohol level so the piece won't start if the level is over the legal limit.

The full-page black-and-white ad appeared in USA Today on Friday and was paid for by the American Beverage Institute, a trade group that supports the interests of the alcohol industry. The ad reads "Ignition interlocks are a good idea for" above Lohan's mug shot from her July 24, 2007 arrest and "But a bad idea for us" above smaller photos of people drinking.

"The reason that we used Lindsay Lohan is because she's had multiple DUIs that have been high profile," American Beverage Institute managing director Sarah Longwell told The Associated Press. "We needed to create the distinction for the public what someone with multiple DUIs looked like versus a low blood-alcohol-level first-time offender."

Lawmakers in several states have passed bills that would require drunken driving offenders to pay for and install an ignition interlock system. Under many such laws, the interlock requirement extends to first-time offenders driving while "highly intoxicated" — or with a blood alcohol level of 0.15 percent or higher.

Snake and Fizz doesn't need such a bloody device. We're safe all on our own. Let's be responsible, shall we?

How To: Stand Up While Drunk

We like to pass along helpful instructions from time to time.

Wrinkled Dudes, Skinny Dudes, and DUIs

Former Snake & Fizz groupie Angie Everhart is the latest to snag a DUI. The scoop:

Actress/model Angie Everhart has been arrested for drunk driving - just days after splitting from longtime love Joe Pesci. The 38-year-old was arrested shortly after 2am last Thursday in Los Angeles after failing a sobriety test. According to Tmz.com, Everhart persuaded police officers to allow her to use the toilet in a nearby restaurant before taking the test, which she subsequently failed. She is also reported to have refused to take part in any chemical testing because she claimed her attorney had told her not to. The Denial star was held on $15,000 bail but was released later that day. She is due in court on May 15. It hasn't been a good seven days for Sylvester Stallone's ex - last week, Pesci ended his engagement to Everhart, nine months after proposing. The couple had been together for seven years.

What kind of a world do we live in where wrinkled-up short dudes like Pesci are tossing dames like Angie out on their bums? See what happens after you jump off the Snake & Fizz wagon, Love? And did you learn nothing about drinking and driving during your time with us?

In other DUI news, former Velvet Revolver skeleton lead singer and current (again) Stone Temple Pilots head, Scott Weiland, pled no contest to his second DUI yesterday. He earned eights days behind bars for the joy ride. We've done harder time in our sleep. Scott was also given four years' probation and ordered to undergo an 18-month alcohol program. Weiland -- much like Snake & Fizz -- hasn't been broken by rehab or programs yet, so we're sure this one is destined to work.

Lindsay Lohan Likes Liquor

It was party time for our freckled friend in New York over the weekend and of course, the press is all over it again. Lindsay Lohan -- or LiLo as we call her -- relapsed and got piss drunk on Grey Goose and Red Bull at a NY nightclub.

The Mean Girls star was spotted partying with her pal Samantha Ronson at the Hawaiian Tropic Zone into the wee hours on Saturday Apr 19 night, where she was seen downing cocktails of Grey Goose and Red Bull. She had been in rehab three times in 2007, but it does not seem to have had any affect on her at all.

According to People, Lohan was at a packed Manhattan hotspot where she was seen hitting the drink until she was senseless and then losing her balance and collapsing to the floor. With all the drinking she was doing, Lohan was barely conscious as she was put into a taxi at 4:15 a.m.

So I guess we're judging now? Let he who is without sin cast the first stone, shall we? Some people have hobbies and maybe sipping an occasional cocktail with her pals Snake and Fizz is a bloody past time of LiLo. Besides, we just might be good for young starlets if their passion ever turns into what the media deems "a problem". We pass along sage advice about things like drugs and driving under the influence. You can thank us later.