Snake & Fizz: Rock Star Diaries

R.I.P. Patrice O'Neal

(Snake and Fizz are rockstars and the twisted wankers behind this site. Follow them on Twitter.)

Bikini Girl Needs a Pat-Down

"Uhhhhh, we're still gonna' need to frisk you. Can't have another 9/11 on our hands...right?"

 

(Snake and Fizz are rockstars and the twisted wankers behind this site. Follow them on Twitter.)

 

Crusty Old Vaginas (aka, the Hosts on "The View") Disagree on Mel Gibson Being Crazy

This is really harshing our buzz, but the old chicks on "The View" are bitching about Mel Gibson. So says LifelineLive:

View co-hosts Joy Behar and Whoopi Goldberg are in separate corners when it comes to Mel Gibson.

Yesterday on the show, Whoopi defended Mel, saying, "I know Mel, and I know he's not a racist," Goldberg said. "He may be a bonehead. I can't sit and say that he's a racist, having spent time with him in my house with my kids.

And now, Joy Behar tells The Insider that Mel would not be welcome on the show, especially if Barbara Walters is there. "Barbara would not allow him on the show," Joy says. "Barbara's Jewish, he's an anti-Semite, he's a racist ... so he's done."

More importantly...who gives a shit?

(Snake and Fizz are rockstars and the twisted wankers behind this site. Follow them on Twitter.)

Lenny Kravitz Crashes New Orleans Choir Party

Our pal Lenny jumps in and plays his own song with a nerdy choir in New Orleans!

(Snake and Fizz are rockstars and the twisted wankers behind this site. Follow them on Twitter.)

Conan O'Brien Lands a Job

(Snake and Fizz are rockstars and the twisted wankers behind this site. Follow them on Twitter.)

Erin Andrews is Not Naked on "Dancing with the Stars"

The above vid is the "Dancing with the Stars" pre-stuff video with Erin Andrews and some dancer dude. We were excited to hear Erin was on the new season of a show we've never watched, but apparently, she won't be wearing nothing -- as is her norm -- while she shakes her money-maker for all of America.

But certainly Pamela Anderson would be in her birthday suit, right? Apparently not. This show is going to suck, so avoid it and stick to reruns of "Malcolm in the Middle".

(Snake and Fizz are rockstars and the twisted wankers behind this site. Follow them on Twitter.)

Naked Chick Talks About Being Green

Snake and Fizz are down with the green shit, and so are the rest of us at this site. But we are especially down with being green when there is a hot chick from AngryGreenGirl telling us about green things while she gets naked. We have no idea what she just said, but we're on board. Fo' sho'.

Not to be outdone, Snake and Fizz recently filmed their own green message about trees. Because the things with limbs and leaves are apparently part of the greenness that's all the rage.

(Snake and Fizz are rockstars and the twisted wankers behind this site. Follow them on Twitter.)

Even Gay People Can Climb Mt. Everest!

(Snake and Fizz are rockstars and the twisted wankers behind this site. Follow them on Twitter.)

Tiger Woods Likely Has an STD

As if sleeping with 65% of the female population in the Western Hemisphere wasn't enough, Tiger Woods was also hooking up with porn star Joslyn James -- according to her -- and even slipped a couple past the goalie. Here's a snippet via MSN about the three year affair:

Tiger Woods allegedly impregnated his porn star mistress twice, both times when his wife was also pregnant, according to an interview with the woman set to air Monday.

Joslyn James said her lengthy and steamy affair with Tiger Woods always involved unprotected sex.

Using protection "was never talked about," the actress told U.S. television show "Inside Edition."

"It was never protected."

James, 32, who carried on an affair with Woods from 2006 to 2009, said she miscarried in her first pregnancy at about the same time his wife, Elin Nordegren, gave birth to daughter Sam Alexis on June 18, 2007.

Now how can Elin Nordegren not suck it up and give Tiger another chance? He only made 67,000 a couple of mistakes. Don't break up your family, Elin. It does seem to be all the rage for women to make claims against the golfer these days, true or not. In fact, this chick just stepped forward with some lurid details of their nights together.

(Snake and Fizz are rockstars and the twisted wankers behind this site. Follow them on Twitter.)

R.I.P.: Brittany Murphy

Snake and Fizz were saddened to hear about the death of our groupie Brittany Murphy this weekend. Here's a look back at some of our favorite shots of her. Rest in peace, Kiddo.

More hotness after the jump...

Kids Kill Gollum In Panama...Frodo Mourns

Kids in Panama beat film star and lothario, Gollum to death last week.  

Samwise Gamgee comforts Frodo Baggins after passing out at funeral service held for old drinking buddy, Gollum.

    

A tragic end to a tumultuous life and career.

The 5 Best Trophy Mounts

We know what probably popped into your mind when you read "Trophy Mounts", but pump the brakes there, Ted Bundy. This isn't about your boss' much younger wife or your 1st grade teacher. Remember that chick you dated in high school who got all teary-eyed when she came over because saw your dad had a deer head mounted on the den wall? That’s what this is about and just wait until she sees you at the reunion so you can invite her over and show her your latest trophy mount. Something of the wooly mammoth variety.

Of course, the only thing to trump an extinct hairy elephant would be a human being, but we don’t condone that sort of activity. Because it is apparently illegal. But if you absolutely must have a used-to-be-alive animal in your living quarters, you must do it up right. We’re not talking deers and raccoons. Think bigger and more badass. Now, while we are not suggesting you grab your BB gun and head to the Serengeti, we are here to tell you what the best mounts to mount are...er, nail to the wall. Um, put in your house. Yeah, that's the phrase we’re looking for.

Giraffe

Like, an entire giraffe. They don’t strike fear in a human like maybe a lion would, but they would be an instant conversation piece at every party you ever hosted. We have no idea how they took this bastard down, but who wouldn't want an 18-foot-tall formerly-breathing giraffe gracing their living room? The color may not go with your IKEA decor, but come on. It's a giraffe.

Remember: Buy a matching giraffe print rug.

Elephant

We're not talking your grandaddy's elephant head he bought from a gypsy during his second tour in the Pacific. This trophy mount will take up the better portion of your backyard. Just to double-check the difficulty of this mount (hehe), we made a cal to a local taxidermist about stuffing a regular-sized African Elephant. We don't speak Russian, but we’re pretty sure he passed on the job.

Remember: Chicks love tusks. Get one with large tusks.

Hippo These mounts are as rare as synchronized orgasms (among consenting humans, that is). They are elusive because they can hang under muddy waters for hours and have hide that can deflect bullets. And don't be fooled by these slow-moving tubs of river shit. They are badass and will get you if you don't get them first. You know what that wall has been lacking in your apartment? A hippopatamus. We know you’ve already thought of it.

Remember: Tell your taxidermist to leave the hippo's mouth open, because that's the stuff of champions.

King Cobra

Don't try nabbing one of these on your own. Hire a local de loco to get one or just go on-line and buy one that's already primed and stuffed -- it beats being bitten to death by the king of slithering beings. Some people opt for the skin of a python to stretch across their wall like scaly wallpaper, but nothing looks more trophy than a coiled king cobra greeting guests as they walk through your door. Just considering this possibility will put some hair on your ass.

Remember: Don't look a dead cobra directly in the eyes. They are of the devil.

Great White Shark

You're gonna' need a bigger boat and an even bigger set of balls to stare at this monster mounted on your wall every day. Nothing will raise your man-level like having this ocean predator poised adjacent to your 27” TV. We feel we should tell you that some experts say that the Great Whites are endangered and we should go the extra mile to protect them. We say, who died and made them experts?

Remember: Keep "Once Bitten, Twice Shy" by Great White on your stereo loop. 1 in 20 guests will appreciate the 'wink, wink, nod, nod'.

(Snake and Fizz are rockstars and the twisted wankers behind this site. Follow them on Twitter.)

Ted Kennedy Remembered

S&F raise a glass to a true Rockstar, Ted Kennedy.

At least he left us with a few laughs...

Saddest News Ever: Jack Daniel's Master Distiller Dies

Yes, it's true. A great American and value to the human race has passed. Via MSN:

Jimmy Bedford, the slender and silver-haired former master distiller of the Jack Daniel's whiskey during a 40-year career with the company, died Friday. He was 69.

His body was found outside a barn at his farm in Lynchburg, apparently the victim of a heart attack, company officials said.

Bedford retired in March 2008 after spending 20 years as the master distiller supervising the entire operation at the 143-year-old distillery in Lynchburg, the oldest registered one in the United States. Among his duties was tasting the whiskey before it was sent to retailers.

Luckily, the company has a new master distiller and will not have to cease productioon of the delicious Tennessee nectar. And more importantly, how do I get a job as the 'taster'? This blogging thing sucks anyway. Oh, yeah. Don't drink and drive.

(Snake and Fizz are rockstars and the twisted wankers behind this site. Follow them on Twitter.)

Celebrating the Great John Hughes

We're cruel and twisted bastards, but when we heard of John Hughes' death yesterday from a heart attack, even we thought of all the classics he gave us at a time when we were all barrelling clumsily towards young adulthood. He understood and we're the better for it. Somebody put together the above tribute video and it kicks ass. It's hard to pick a favorite out of the gems he either wrote, directed, or produced -- and sometimes he did all three -- but one thing is for sure. Could Ally Sheedy have been any hotter in The Breakfast Club?

Here are just a few from John Hughes: The Breakfast Club, Vacation, Christmas Vacation, Home Alone, Sixteen Candles, Pretty in Pink, Ferris Bueller's Day Off, Plains, Trains & Automobiles, Uncle Buck, Some Kind of Wonderful, Weird Science, Mr. Mom

Raise 'em for John Hughes this weekend.

"Don't Make Me Drag You Out of This Store!"

By contributor Jerry Lucio
CNN is reporting that a mother from Alabama (Melissa Catherine-Smith) was arrested and charged for dragging her kid out a Verizon store by one of those dog kid leash things. I assume the kid just really wanted the new LG phone.

Let that be a lesson to you youngsters: when all else fails, lie on the floor and make them drag you out. This technique will come in handy during college when you attend protests.

The 40th Anniversary of the Moon Landing...Or Is It?

While we are reminded of the moon one week every month when men become "Satan" -- according to my Mom, sister, girlfriend, grandma, and the teenaged cashier at Target -- last week marked the 40th anniversary of the lunar landing. Or the 40th anniversary of the greatest hoax in history. Regardless of what you think, you'll still be hated one week every month. I hate the moon.

1. The Alleged moon landing

   

2. The "Mythbusters" reenactment

 

Report: Michael Jackson Was Murdered

This just in from TMZ:

Law enforcement sources tell us the L.A. County Coroner is scheduled to release the autopsy results in Michael Jackson's death next week, and the cause of death will "almost certainly" be homicide -- death at the hands of another.

We're told the Coroner himself will make the call mid-week, after he gets the final toxicology report from an outside consultant. But based on the draft report as well as what has become "clear evidence," causes other than homicide -- natural, accidental, accidental overdose, and suicide -- have been ruled out.

If there is any humor to pull out of all this, it's that the word 'Coroner' sounds funny after a few six-packs.

Donte Stallworth = Daft Prick

What?! It's not like he killed somebody!...Oh, wait.   

If only he had seen our PSA...

   

Snake and Fizz say, "DON'T DRINK AND DRIVE" (But if you do, don't be a daft prick and run someone over!)

Ed McMahon: A True Rockstar

S&F want to tip our boas to one of the true Rockstars, EdMcMahon. He will be missed.