Snake & Fizz: Rock Star Diaries

Donte Stallworth = Daft Prick

What?! It's not like he killed somebody!...Oh, wait.   

If only he had seen our PSA...

   

Snake and Fizz say, "DON'T DRINK AND DRIVE" (But if you do, don't be a daft prick and run someone over!)

Ed McMahon: A True Rockstar

S&F want to tip our boas to one of the true Rockstars, EdMcMahon. He will be missed.

Endangered Polar Bears Commit Mass Suicide Because of Soda Contract

By Snake and Fizz contributor Adam Simmel

The horrific, bloody scene was unfortunately first discovered by teacher, Gloria Nussbaum, and her group of kindergartners on their annual class field trip to the Arctic. During their trek through the frozen tundra, Mrs. Nussbaum and her students stumbled across a glacial field covered in blood, shattered Coke bottles, one copy of Madea's Family Reunion, and 57 dead polar bears -- all wearing red scarves.

Mrs. Nussbaum refused to comment, and the children could not refrain from crying long enough to give an official statement. Polar bear enthusiast and 44-year-old virgin, Larry Marshall, immediately rushed over to the scene as soon as news broke. "Initially after examining the bodies, the glass cola-bottle shards I found impaled into their jugulars led me to believe they died of natural causes. After further review, I quickly realized that wasn't the case at all. I now believe it to be some kind of food poisoning."

Shockingly enough, it was neither. Coronary reports conclude it was a suicide, and that the polar bears used the very same product which brought them fame and fortune to ultimately end their lives. No suicide note was found at the scene. Scientists believe it's most likely because polar bears have "very poor penmanship," which they are "extremely sensitive about."

After Coca-Cola's disappointing fourth quarter sales this past holiday season, rumors had been circulating that the company may be parting ways with their long-time, furry mascots in search of a "fresh, new, face" -- even though they just renewed their other Christmas spokesperson for another five years.

"I was somewhat close with them," states Mr. Claus. "I was such a fan of their work I invited them up to The North Pole for Christmas dinner one year. It was a magical evening, until one of the the elves came to dinner wearing his new Bearded Seal cologne. Things turned ugly quite fast. After that we kind of had a falling out. Mainly because they never returned my copy of Madea's Family Reunion."

While some blame this tragedy on the poor economy and the lack of acting opportunities for arctic dwelling predators, others are pointing fingers at Coca-Cola. "The American public views polar bears as these cute and cuddly, gentle giants that will help you push your Christmas tree up a snowy hill and then offer you a Coke," says Landon Summers, vice-chairman of Coca-Cola. "But don't let their affinity for Tyler Perry fool you. Polar bears are actually quite intelligent. For years they took advantage of us and our advertising to hide the cold, hard truth about what they really are; Jew-hating, Nazi spies hell-bent on world domination. Who would want to buy a beverage from someone like that?"

When asked who will replace the polar bears come this holiday season, Mr. Summers replied, "We're very close to closing a deal with Mel Gibson."

Authorities still aren't sure exactly why those 57 polar bears decided to take their own lives, but this tragedy raises even bigger questions: Is this the beginning of the end for the polar bears? Are they truly on their way to extinction? And more importantly, what will happen to all their red scarves?

Although not certain about the future of the scarves, Larry Marshall seems optimistic about the future of the polar bears. He holds his head high, and -- with a hopeful gleam in his eye -- he reassures us, "If this Coca-Cola incident doesn't lead to the extinction of polar bears, global warming most definitely will."

11-Year-Old Graduates College to become World's Biggest Asshole

By Snake and Fizz contributor Mike Allen
Moshe Kai Cavalin, 11, graduates with honors from East Los Angeles Community College this week, but just don't call him a genius. You might want to call him an asshole.

"I consider myself a regular kid who works hard and does his best," says this only child of a Taiwanese mother and an Israeli father.

"If these are the results of this kind of match up, perhaps it should be outlawed. This is one giant asshole breed of people," said an unnamed college professor. Moshe started school at age 8, and without a doubt was the youngest person in the class. After several years, the kids at East L.A Community College with their mediocre averages noticed that perhaps he wasn't just a midget, but a child. Said a fellow graduate: "He kept screaming about how he was eight and not a damn midget or something. I felt bad for him, you know, because there's no other midget ass here at the school. Perhaps if there were, he wouldn't be such an asshole all the time. That guy sure loved him some juice boxes."

When he's not studying for finals, Moshe likes to relax and enjoy Astrophysics and martial arts. "My idols are Albert Einstein and Bruce Lee. I've already won numerous national martial arts titles. With my intelligence and my knowledge of the deadly arts, I'm probably the greatest person who ever lived," he said while smirking (Note: may or may not be an actual quote...okay, probably isn't).

When asked what he thought of video games he responded with "I feel it's a waste of time playing video games because it's not helping humanity in any way." He claims to want to use his knowledge to change the world. He's probably one of those guys who feels like Hitler's problem was he just didn't go far enough. Oh, and he didn't know karate. When confronted with the fact that East L.A Community College is a joke of a school and his degree in Communications would get him nowhere, he called us turds, and roundhouse-kicked our photographer in the balls. Little Moshe Cavalin might just be becoming the world's biggest asshole.

Advice From Frank “The Poon Slayer”

By Snake & Fizz contributor, Isaac G.

Hey, Folks. My name is Frank. I feel that unbridled passion is the key to life. Sharing these passions with others makes our stay on earth special. That is why I devote most of my time to my two loves —- slaying vag and smoking huge blunts.

Because I have clobbered many a vag, I feel it is my duty to impart my wisdom on the world at large. Let’s answer some email.

Steve in Oxnard, CA writes: “Dear Frank, I have a real problem. I am having trouble getting my girlfriend to concede to anal intercourse. I love her dearly (we even watched “The Notebook” together) and I feel that anal sex will bring us closer. I really want to share this experience with her, but unfortunately she’s not as open minded about it as I am. Any suggestions on how to get her to open up, both figuratively and in the rear? Thanks so much!!”

Steve, don’t feel discouraged. This is a delicate subject for most women. In fact, the majority of females require some heavy cajoling in order for them to acquiesce to the notion of sodomy. It is important that you consider her feelings and take the discourse slow. You two are a team and want to get there together.

So here’s what you do:
When she’s not looking, slip her a sleeping pill and wait for her to pass out. Then, flip her over, lube her up, and pound her sweet cheeks like you’re the dude from American Idol with the Emo haircut. She will never know (unless you’re black, in which case please refrain from said heavy pounding unless you want a murder on your hands). That’s it for this week, Folks. Take care and be kind to one another!

About me: When not slaying poon or smoking huge blunts, I spend most of my time watching old Nickelodeon programs like, “Are You Afraid of the Dark?” For advice, email frankthepoonslayer@gmail.com.

Die, Guppy, Die!

(This dude could use some Head & Shoulders.)

By Snake & Fizz contributor, Jerry Lucio.

"Wow, that smells good, what shampoo is that?" said the guppy to another guppy.

Why would you pour shampoo in a fish tank to prove that it has toxic chemicals that would kill guppies? Because you can. And that's what a Danish reporter, Lisbeth Koelster, did for a consumer affairs show back in 2004. Well your sins will find you out, because yesterday she was convicted of animal cruelty charges in Denmark. I guess the Statute of Limitations had passed -- so no jail time -- but her conditions of probation are bad enough.

They are as follows:

-- No fishing (of course). She also cannot own fish of any kind.
-- No shampoo of any kind in her possession for the next three years. That'll definitely increase her sex life, I'm sure.
-- 25 hours of community service at her nearest aquarium, which includes but not limited to washing the shark tanks while on her period.
-- She can not conduct product experiments without consulting with PETA or at least with someone claiming to have common sense.
-- She must watching the below video.

Miss US-Gay Basher!

Snake and Fizz like to stay abreast (two, usually) of current events. So we paid particular attention to the Miss USA pageant, but were upset to hear Miss California's comments about our fruits -- uh, we mean 'friends' -- of the gay persuasion.

National Treasure 3: The Quest for Dr. Pepper

You know those crap movies about treasure hunting starring Angelina Jolie's wrinkled pops and the guy who grabbed Elizabeth Shue's boobs in Leaving Las Vegas? Well, get ready fro a third installment of poop as soon as Jerry Bruckheimer gets word of this find out of Dallas.

From MSN:

Poking through antiques stores while traveling through the Texas Panhandle, Bill Waters stumbled across a tattered old ledger book filled with formulas. He bought it for $200, suspecting he could resell it for five times that. Turns out, his inkling about the book's value was more spot on than he knew.

The Tulsa, Okla., man eventually discovered the book came from the Waco, Texas, drugstore where Dr Pepper was invented and includes a recipe titled "D Peppers Pepsin Bitters."

"I began feeling like I had a national treasure," said Waters, 59.

Dr Pepper's manufacturer says the recipe is not the secret formula for the modern day soft drink, but the 8 1/2-by-15 1/2 inch book is expected to sell between $50,000 to $75,000 when it goes up for auction at Dallas-based Heritage Auction Galleries on May 13.

Luckily for you guys, Fizz was in Fort Worth seeing a guy about an armadillo and made the trip over to Dallas to find out more about the ledger. It turns out, there was more than just Dr. Pepper's formula in it. Here is a partial list of the other national treasures found in the ledger:

-- Original design and test results for tampons.

-- A journal entry from 1891 about a time machine that landed in Texas containing a passenger named Spencer Pratt from 2009. Apparently the townspeople hated him and plotted his demise.

-- The word "douchebag" is invented (related to the Spencer Pratt journal reference).

-- Shooting milk out of the nose contests are outlawed in Texas.

-- A secret formula to make people fat is listed. It's called "hamburger diet".

-- e = mc2 is first written by a beet farmer named Cletus who married his mom.

-- A diagram for licking toads is drawn. Apparently we've been doing it wrong all these years.

-- Instructions on how to tuck it like Silence of the Lambs.

On a side note, it was announced the owner of the antique shop has used the $200 he made on the sell to buy all the sleeping pills he could get his hands on and plans on ingesting them all at once.

Snake's Seven Ways to Cure Your Swine Flu

I'm no doctor, but I do feel qualified to offer you the ways to cure swine flu.

1. Visit a witch doctor.

Seriously, they cure everything. When was the last time Fizz tried to eat the wallpaper in a hotel lobby? I rest my case.

 

2. Have sex with someone who has swine flu already.

While this may cost money for a flight to Mexico, it will work. It's like getting vaccinated for polio and chicken pox. When's the last time you got polio? Exactly. Get to Mexico before they close the borders.

3. Drink rubbing alcohol.

What doesn't kill you, makes you stronger. And rubbing alcohol hasn't killed me. And somebody said it kills germs, too. I'm not sure about that, but that is an added bonus, I suppose.

4. Watch the "Brady Bunch" entire series in one sitting.

This one is going to be controversial, but I like to keep things interesting. If you watch the entire series without leaving the room, one of three things will happen: a) doctors will find a cure and beam it through your TV, so you'll be cured without even knowing it; b) you'll die of starvation instead of the swine flu; or c) you'll hang yourself from the ceiling fan by Season 2.

5. Have someone cut your head off.

A little unorthodox, but some of you are bloody crazy wankers. When a dog is suspected of having rabies, they cut its head off and check the brain stem for the disease. They can do the same for you. Of course, they could find out that you never had swine flu afterall, but that's a gamble you should be willing to take.

6. Google it.

There must be cures on google - even more than the seven cures I'm giving you here.

7. Pretend not to be a human.

Psyche the flu out. It can't attack certain objects or certain animals. Make it think you are one of those things it can't live inside of, like a tea pot or something. This will be particularly easy for those of you that are short and stout.

Chris Brown and Rihanna Tribute

Chris Brown did WHAT? Disturbia, indeed... Here's a little Rock Star tribute to the rock star life with the opposite sex (or the same sex, you Judias Priest guys...not that we're judging).

Yes We Did

Rockin' the vote is something we've been doing for years. Go Teddy!

Homer Simpson Sways Voters

Homer Simpson has inspired a nation, according to this thread on VH1's fan forum:

i only voted for obama cause .....and i know people are gonna think i'm a complete moron...but i only voted for obama only based on the fact that homer simpson endorsed obama in last week's simpsons' episode. i'm a HUGE simpsons fanatic. what a weird reason to vote. oh well. it felt great voting regardless.

The Flintstones had publicly endorsed John McCain last week. Guess the American people have soured on their gay old times.

Drugs Are Bad (Unless They're Good Drugs)!

As all you fans know, Snake and Fizz never advocate the use of Drugs. Especially, bad drugs! ALWAYS make sure your drugs are "Good Drugs"! To do this, make sure you know your dealer. In other words, get them from a reliable source!

For more on this growing problem take a hit of the story on the Policy Almanac.

In 2001, an estimated 15.9 million Americans aged 12 or older were current illicit drug users, meaning they had used an illicit drug during the month prior to the survey interview. This estimate represents 7.1 percent of the population aged 12 years old or older.

Here's S&F's PSA about Kids and Drug Abuse...

SNL VP Debate: Palin Vs. Biden

Snake and Fizz are always abreast (two for that matter) of the current political scene and feel it is our responsibility to keep our fans informed as well. That being said, here is the recent VP Debate between Gov. Palin and Sen. Biden (courtesy of SNL).

Blind...the New Retard

You know how retards people who care about the feelings of retarded blokes protested them being called retards in the movie Tropic Thunder? Well, now the same people are telling the seeing-challenged that the movie Blindness is portraying them as...who cares, here's the story from NBC 9 News in Denver:

The National Federation for the Blind (NFB) is calling for a nationwide boycott of the newly released Miramax film "Blindness."

Scott LaBarre, president for the NFB, said, “We’re here to tell the public that this is not the proper message about blindness. There’s a much more positive message. The message of the NFB in that, once you have an opportunity, once you have good training, skills and a positive attitude, you can do whatever you want to do.”

Snake and Fizz care about the plight of the handicapped, as you can see from our video below. We even once hired a blind drummer for one of our shows. The bloke ended up talking all night about how to "see" with his "nose radar" and mistook our bass player's mouth for a toilet.

We replaced him with a spider monkey who had drummed two tours with Dokken.

But blind people rock.

Elephant Kicks Drug Habit

(This has nothing to do with the following story, but anything that has cats and violence together, is fine by us...)

Having a six-foot-long nose, saggy ass, and the speed of a tortoise is pretty bad, but also being hooked on heroin is the icing on the crap cake. From MSN:

A once drug-addled elephant fed heroin-laced bananas by illegal traders will return home after emerging clean from a three-year detox program on China's tropical island province of Hainan.

The four-year-old bull elephant, referred to alternately as "Big Brother" or "Xiguang" in state media reports, was captured in 2005 in southwest China by traders who used spiked bananas to control him.

After police arrested the traders and freed Xiguang a few months later, the elephant was confirmed to be suffering from withdrawal symptoms and sent to a wild animal protection center in Hainan for rehab, Xinhua news agency said on Thursday.

Luckily, we once did a show at a zoologist convention in China, so we have the inside scoop on the elephant's 3-year ordeal. "Big Brother" is doing well, but now smokes 2 packs a day and drinks 45 gallons of soda before noon.

And does anyone know where we can get some of those bananas? We're kidding, of course, as evidenced by our court-ordered charitable PSA work below.

Hot For VP!

Snake and Fizz are always keeping abreast of politics...and we're loving politic's new breasts, as Sarah Palin was named McCain's new running mate -- and what a mate she'd make! Check out One News for more about the foxy governor.

Palin's conservative credentials, including strong anti-abortion views and a record of confronting entrenched interests during less than two years as governor of Alaska, energised conservatives, who poured money into the campaign.

We'll be punching our ballots all night long for you, Sarah!

Condom: The Ringtone

Ever wished your cell phone would ring with socially conscious reminders or suggestions on how to live your miserable life? Well, your wish is coming true (via the A-List):

How do you tackle the taboo of talking about condoms? A new HIV-awareness campaign in India is using a cell phone ring tone to start the conversation. The tone consists of a choir repeating the word "condom." Listen here.

The "Condom a Cappella" ring tone is part of a massive campaign produced by the BBC World Service Trust with a grant from the Bill & Melinda Gates Foundation to help prevent the spread of HIV in India. The goal of the campaign is to "make condoms more socially acceptable and promote the image of a condom user as a smart and responsible person," according to the BBC World Service Trust.

With approximately half of the world's population carrying cell phones (India alone has more than 140 million subscribers), can other public service messages via ring tones be far behind?

Being the socially aware heroes that we are, we did a search on the top ringtones that can help make you a well-rounded human being. Here they are, ready for you to download (all are sung in a-cappella style).

-- Wash-Your-Vagina

-- Stop-Scratching-Your-Balls

-- Shave-Your-Moustache (for dames only)

-- Get-A-Real-Job (for restaurant employees only)

-- Shakespeare-Sucks

-- Oral-sex (for the whore that sleeps in the dumpster down the street)

-- Genital-Warts (for the whore that sleeps in the dumpster down the street)

-- Smack-Your-Woman

-- Your-Ass-Is-Too-Big-For-Those-Jeans

-- Porn-Rocks

Update: Big Foot Not Dead; Man Bangs Marsupial

Hey, remember when Big Foot died? Well, dry your tears because the hairy bastard may still be alive. From MSN:

One of the two samples of DNA said to prove the existence of the Bigfoot came from a human and the other was 96 percent from an opossum, according to Curt Nelson, a scientist at the University of Minnesota who performed the DNA analysis.

Big Foot may still be at large, but now the search is on for the dude who had sex with an opossum. Our guess is he resides somewhere in Mississippi.

Celebs Prep For Democratic Convention In Denver

Is that a mike in your hand, Susan, or are we just happy to see you? Kidding, Love (kind of). Celebrities -- almost as big as we are -- are prepping for what is sure to be a star-studded DNC event -- complete with gas-devouring stretch limos, thousands in designer wear, hours of photos, and million dollar galas hosted by huge companies like google (who own half of everything in the world). In attendance will be some of the biggest names in show business who've been charged with everything from drug possession and drunk driving, to domestic violence and verbal abuse of puppies. But hey, who's casting stones?

A snippet, via Fox News:

How many stars are going to Denver next week for the Democratic Convention? Let's put it this way: they're going to have major gridlock in the Mile High City thanks to limos everywhere.

"We're STARS, you should do what we say!" What a bunch of wankers. Speaking of do-gooders, remember to support our latest cause, that of starving little shits children in Africa. All it takes is you to make a difference.