Snake & Fizz: Rock Star Diaries

This Week's Craiglist Crazy

You just can't make this stuff up. Click on the image for the full scoop.
 

7-Year-Old Rockstar

Some kids are born rock stars like us, except white. (Make sure you stay tuned for what he thinks his punishment should be at the 1:20 mark.) Submitted by Snake & Fizz contributor, Sean M.

Lindsay Lohan on eHarmony

Been there...done that.

Lindsay Lohan's eHarmony Profile from Lindsay Lohan

Babies + Poisonous Snakes=Good Parenting!

You always hate to see this. A people-loving King Cobra going about it's business and just for kicks, some couple decides to torment the poor reptile with their obnoxious child! 

 

Isn't there an Animal Rights organization in the area or do Snake and Fizz have to do it all themselves? Okay, fine, here's our Animal Rights PSA. Because poisonous snakes are people to (or something like that). 

Ringo Starr's Busy, Busy Life

Appears the wind-up doll of a drummer from the Fab Four just cannot take any more time to read the two pieces of fan mail he gets every month. "I'm warning you...with peace and love, of course."

Sharon Stone's Crazy Train to Locotown

Sure she's nice to look at, but even us rockstars have to admit that Sharon Stone is bloody bonkers. It was just announced that she lost custody of her son to her creepy ex-husband, and MSN may have a clue as to why:

ET has obtained new court documents related to Sharon Stone's custody battle with her ex-husband, Philip Bronstein, over their 8-year-old son.

In the documents, a judge writes, "the testimony of Father, Mother and Dr. Lee indicated that Mother appears to overreact to many medical issues involving [the child]." As an example, the court wrote that Sharon believed that her son suffered from a spinal illness when there was "no evidence to support this allegation." The court also noted that Sharon wanted to get Botox injections for her son to deal with foot odor, while his father suggested wearing socks with shoes and using foot deodorant.

When we hear of something like this, we cannot stay silent. They are both obviously wrong in the foot odor dispute. The smart solution: Lop the lad's feet off. No feet, no foot odor.

Why must we always spell it out for everyone?

Ozzy + Jessica Simpson = WTF!?

First of all, we were there and Ozzy gave it to that whore snowman. Secondly, we'd like to give kudos to Osama Bin Terrorist on the piano. And third, Jess, Babe, stop calling our Bat Phone. Oh, and fourthly, there was a weapon involved in the making of this video...just FYI.

Will the Real Dead Man, Please Stand Up?

Remember when you were a young little wanker and were scared of the ghost standing in the corner when you went for some of daddy's scotch in the middle of the night? If so, we advise you to not spend the night in Puerto Rico:

A Puerto Rican man has been granted his wish to remain standing — even in death.

A funeral home used a special embalming treatment to keep the corpse of 24-year-old Angel Pantoja Medina standing upright for his three-day wake.

Dressed in a Yankees baseball cap and sunglasses, Pantoja was mourned by relatives while propped upright in his mother's living room.

It's official: we're never sleeping with another Puerto Rican streetwalker again. Just in case.

Pop Quiz: What's Creepier?

What's creepier in the above video:

1. The gent wearing the doormat on his head?

2. The realization that Elmo has mad oral skills?

3. The wood panel walls and decor, circa 1974 mobile home housing a pedophile colony?

4. The dude from #1 stroking Elmo's bobbing head?

5. The moaning sounds and "O" face?

6. The random bloke wearing an apron at the end of the video?

You decide.

Alanis Morissette Wants Age Spots and Loose Skin

Alanis Morissette wants to get old and wrinkly very soon. Via people.com:

"I'm fascinated by aging and how a woman's body changes," Morissette, 34, tells Women's Health's September issue.

"I don't want to spend the next 50 years of my life trying to hide those changes. There's something very relaxing about watching it unfold instead of fighting it the whole way."

We used aging software to show what Alanis will look like in 50 years:

What a looker.

Ozzy's Wife: Paris Hilton Has No Talent

Ozzy's crazy wife, who is currently a judge on "America's Got Talent", has shocked the world by saying that Paris Hilton has not talent. Check out what she said in an interview with MSN:

So you see a lot of wannabes who don't have a clue about what it takes even though they're getting their proverbial 15 minutes of fame?

You've got your superstars. You've got your celebrities. And then you've got your people who I call "infamous."

Anyone in particular who fits the mold?

Paris Hilton, who I know. She's got a look that a lot of younger girls liked and copied but she has no talent. I'm sure Paris would tell you that herself. The timing was right for her. A lot of younger women looked up to her. She's a very sweet, nice girl. But that's it. Then you put a full stop. It's over. So I'd say Paris is infamous.

Thanks, Sharon. Saying Paris has no talent is like saying your husband used to do a few drugs -- not that we're judging. How could you say Paris has no talent? Have you heard her vocal prowess?

Amy Winehouse Wants Her Husband's Seed

Our favorite cigarette-burned singer, Amy Winehouse, has stated she wants to pop some little druggies out of her womb via her incarcerated husband, Blake Fielder-Civil. Here's the story from MSN:

"Blake and I can't wait to have kids. I want at least five kids. I want twins," the rickety, substance-susceptible singer yammers to the British edition of OK!. "Blake is gonna be the most amazing dad." "To be honest, I think kids have got a lot more going on than adults...They've got their heads screwed on a lot better."

Mr. Winehouse is currently serving 27 months for assault and obstruction of justice. He will make a good pop indeed. In fact, we used our special crystal ball to record a conversation between Amy, Blake and their twins:

Twin #1: Mommy, I'm hungry! We haven't eaten in days!

Amy Winehouse: Sniga...smegen...booze.

Blake: 'ere's a mustard packet from KFC. Share some with the other one 'at looks like you.

Twin #1: Thanks, Papa! You're not as bad as Mother!

Amy Winehouse: Pretty...roll...swimmer's snot...

Twin #2: Mommy, what are those holes in your face?

Blake: That's yer Pop's playhouse. Now go play in the cellar.

Twin #2: But the cellar is cold and the rats bite really hard!

Amy Winehouse: My nose just fell off.

Steven Tyler's Rehab Excuse

Remember when Steven Tyler went to rehab a few weeks ago? Here's why:

NEW YORK (AP) -- Steven Tyler sought the "safe environment" of rehab last month to recover from more than just surgery — the Aerosmith frontman now says was fighting a dependency on pain and sleep medication.

"To have your feet done, to have your leg done, you have to be on narcotics," Tyler told The Associated Press on Friday. "You have to be on sleep aids at night. I don't know about Joe (Perry) but I was off and running and I didn't like the me that was me."

Tyler released a statement in late May saying he checked into a rehab facility in search of a "safe environment" to recover from several foot surgeries and physical therapy. Tyler said the procedures were to correct longtime foot injuries resulting from his physical performances as the singer for the blues-rock band.

"This was a month ago, so I just put the brakes on and checked into detox and just pulled the plug on all of it," he told the AP on Friday night at the Hard Rock Cafe in Times Square, where he and bandmates were promoting "Guitar Hero 3: Aerosmith Edition."

Sure, that's usually our excuse, too. Oh, and kids...don't do drugs.

Boy George Gets Stripped...of His Visa

(Sure, deny his entry into the country, but dumping tar on his head is going too far.)

What's Miss Boy George doing today? Our guess is sitting around in his best lingerie and crying his heavily mascara-ed eyes out.

NEW YORK (AP) -- Do they really want to hurt him? That's the question Boy George's managers are asking U.S. authorities now that the 47-year-old singer has been denied a visa to enter the country.

The Culture Club frontman, whose real name is George O'Dowd, had planned a U.S. tour this summer, including a free concert at the New York City Department of Sanitation's Family Day in August. He worked for the department in 2006 while performing court-ordered community service in a drug case.

His managers said in a statement Monday that O'Dowd has been denied a visa because he's awaiting trial in London.

In the spirit of the subject, here is our top ten favorite Boy George tunes:

10.
9.
8.
7.
6.
5.
(tie) 4. & 3.
2.
1.

Tumble for that, Bitch.

Broken Record: Amy Winehouse Arrested

Amy Winehouse has been arrested yet again on drug charges. This shocking news comes via our homeland's paper, The Sun.

Winehouse's spokesman, Chris Goodman, said the arrest is connected to a video that is alleged to show the troubled singer taking drugs at a party in her home in north London.

Britain's The Sun tabloid in January published still images from a video that it claimed showed Winehouse inhaling fumes from a small pipe. The images were said to have been filmed during a party at her London home.

London's Metropolitan Police said a 24-year-old woman was arrested Wednesday on suspicion of drugs possession. Goodman confirmed his client was in police custody.

"Amy Winehouse voluntarily attended a London police station today by appointment. She was arrested in order to be interviewed and is cooperating fully with inquiries," Goodman said in a statement.

"The interview relates to a video handed to police earlier this year," he said.

The report went on to say that Amy's belongings were confiscated and will be kept until she is released. Those items include: a syringe, a half empty pint of ale, several broken teeth, and a chain saw. Lovely dame.

Amy Winehouse Quits James Bond

Our pal Amy Winehouse was supposed to sing the theme song for the new James Bond flick. 'peers that is now a no-go.

Mark Ronson, who produced much of Winehouse's Grammy-winning "Back to Black," said the soul diva is "not ready to record any music."

Ronson said the two started work on the track for the upcoming Bond movie "Quantum of Solace" but it would take "some miracle of science" to finish it, he said in an interview with Sky News.

Cheer up, Amy, and go do another gas chamber. Love ya', you sassy bird!

Dennis Rodman Kicks Chick's Ass

Kinda' on today's Carmen Electra theme, Dennis Rodman is also in the news. The former NBA-er got drunk and beat up some floozie. What else is new?

The 46-year-old former rebounding champion was jailed for investigation of felony domestic violence and freed on $50,000 bail early Thursday. His arraignment is scheduled for May 22.

Rodman manager Darren Prince told TMZ.com, a celebrity Web site, that his client grabbed the woman's arm -- leaving a bruise -- after the pair drank too much and argued. Prince said Rodman's drinking has escalated because of a divorce and he plans to enter rehab.

Paula Abdul is Brain-Challenged

Paula Abdul strikes again. On last night's "American Idol", the pint-sized pixie dropped her judgement on two songs sang by a contestant -- even though he had only performed one song.

On a night when "American Idol" switched up the judges' format by making them hold their appraisals until every contestant had a turn, Abdul offered feedback Tuesday for two songs by Jason Castro — except that he'd only sung one.

Unlike the usual format, in which each "Idol" performance is judged immediately, Abdul, Randy Jackson and Simon Cowell were made to take notes, then offer individual critiques in rapid succession at the end of each round. The reason, Seacrest explained, was because "this show is so tight."

So after each of the final five contestants sang one Neil Diamond song, Jackson zipped through his appraisals, offering a few terse words for each before kicking it to a visibly flustered Abdul.

"Oh gosh, we've never had to write these things down ... fast enough," she began, shuffling through her notecards. "Jason, first song, I loved hearing your lower register, which we never really hear, um ... ."

And that's where it started going off the rails.

"The second song, I felt like your usual charm wasn't — it was missing for me. It kind of left me a little empty."

Indeed.

All six people on stage, including Seacrest, stared blankly (except Syesha Mercado, who wore the furrowed brow of mystification).

"The two songs," she continued, "made me feel like you're not fighting hard enough to get into the top four."

Paula, Love, perhaps a little less self-tanning cream and a lot more brandy. It does the body good.

That's Our Amy!

9 of out of 10 dentists recommend...never mind.

Here's the latest Amy Winehouse story we had to wake up to this afternoon:

LONDON (AP) -- Amy Winehouse was arrested on suspicion of assault Friday following reports that she scuffled with two men during a wild night out, Sky News television reported.

The 24-year-old soul diva, who recently entered rehab after years of erratic behavior and canceled concerts, arrived at a central London police station to answer questions relating to the alleged incident, her representatives said.

Police didn't directly confirm that Winehouse was in custody, saying only that a 24-year-old woman was being held on suspicion of assault. British authorities don't usually name suspects until they have been charged.

Oh, Amy. You had us at "pass the nose candy."

Martha Stewart's Dog Dies Because of Dumb Name

Mourning the death of her canine.

An empyrean tragedy has happened: Martha Stewart's dog has crossed over to that doggie park in the sky. The report:

The 60-pound chow, whose full name was Kublai Khan Paw Paw Chow Chow Chow, was almost 13. Stewart had owned him since he was born, and had named him Paw Paw for his large paws, a spokeswoman said.

Okay, the pooch died, but the name lives on. So, let's analyze that legacy:

Kublai Khan -- A Chinese ruler that wasn't very successful in overtaking Japan and Vietnam.

Paw Paw -- Named after the dog's large paws, but is also what Snake's retarded 3rd cousin calls his long-dead Furby.

Chow Chow Chow -- Named after a broken record recorded by a Purina Dog Chow executive. He's currently doing 3-to-5 for "exposure".

The bottom line is...Martha Stewart needs to go back to prison.