We know what probably popped into your mind when you read "Trophy Mounts", but pump the brakes there, Ted Bundy. This isn't about your boss' much younger wife or your 1st grade teacher. Remember that chick you dated in high school who got all teary-eyed when she came over because saw your dad had a deer head mounted on the den wall? That’s what this is about and just wait until she sees you at the reunion so you can invite her over and show her your latest trophy mount. Something of the wooly mammoth variety.
Of course, the only thing to trump an extinct hairy elephant would be a human being, but we don’t condone that sort of activity. Because it is apparently illegal. But if you absolutely must have a used-to-be-alive animal in your living quarters, you must do it up right. We’re not talking deers and raccoons. Think bigger and more badass. Now, while we are not suggesting you grab your BB gun and head to the Serengeti, we are here to tell you what the best mounts to mount are...er, nail to the wall. Um, put in your house. Yeah, that's the phrase we’re looking for.
Giraffe
Like, an entire giraffe. They don’t strike fear in a human like maybe a lion would, but they would be an instant conversation piece at every party you ever hosted. We have no idea how they took this bastard down, but who wouldn't want an 18-foot-tall formerly-breathing giraffe gracing their living room? The color may not go with your IKEA decor, but come on. It's a giraffe.
Remember: Buy a matching giraffe print rug.
Elephant
We're not talking your grandaddy's elephant head he bought from a gypsy during his second tour in the Pacific. This trophy mount will take up the better portion of your backyard. Just to double-check the difficulty of this mount (hehe), we made a cal to a local taxidermist about stuffing a regular-sized African Elephant. We don't speak Russian, but we’re pretty sure he passed on the job.
Remember: Chicks love tusks. Get one with large tusks.
Hippo
These mounts are as rare as synchronized orgasms (among consenting humans, that is). They are elusive because they can hang under muddy waters for hours and have hide that can deflect bullets. And don't be fooled by these slow-moving tubs of river shit. They are badass and will get you if you don't get them first. You know what that wall has been lacking in your apartment? A hippopatamus. We know you’ve already thought of it.
Remember: Tell your taxidermist to leave the hippo's mouth open, because that's the stuff of champions.
King Cobra
Don't try nabbing one of these on your own. Hire a local de loco to get one or just go on-line and buy one that's already primed and stuffed -- it beats being bitten to death by the king of slithering beings. Some people opt for the skin of a python to stretch across their wall like scaly wallpaper, but nothing looks more trophy than a coiled king cobra greeting guests as they walk through your door. Just considering this possibility will put some hair on your ass.
Remember: Don't look a dead cobra directly in the eyes. They are of the devil.
Great White Shark
You're gonna' need a bigger boat and an even bigger set of balls to stare at this monster mounted on your wall every day. Nothing will raise your man-level like having this ocean predator poised adjacent to your 27” TV. We feel we should tell you that some experts say that the Great Whites are endangered and we should go the extra mile to protect them. We say, who died and made them experts?
Remember: Keep "Once Bitten, Twice Shy" by Great White on your stereo loop. 1 in 20 guests will appreciate the 'wink, wink, nod, nod'.
(Snake and Fizz are rockstars and the twisted wankers behind this site. Follow them on Twitter.)
Comments