Snake & Fizz: Rock Star Diaries

Groupie of the Week: Soleil Moon Frye

Soleil Moon Frye first burst onto the scene as the spunky, Punky Brewster -- but we finally knew it was meant to be when we sat behind her during The Insider in 1999 (insider?...hardly knew her!). Regardless, she's this week's hot stuff. Drink it up.

Hot Chick Shows How To Do a Shot With Your Feet

(Snake and Fizz are rockstars and the twisted wankers behind this site. Follow them on Twitter.)

Kids Kill Gollum In Panama...Frodo Mourns

Kids in Panama beat film star and lothario, Gollum to death last week.  

Samwise Gamgee comforts Frodo Baggins after passing out at funeral service held for old drinking buddy, Gollum.

    

A tragic end to a tumultuous life and career.

The 5 Best Trophy Mounts

We know what probably popped into your mind when you read "Trophy Mounts", but pump the brakes there, Ted Bundy. This isn't about your boss' much younger wife or your 1st grade teacher. Remember that chick you dated in high school who got all teary-eyed when she came over because saw your dad had a deer head mounted on the den wall? That’s what this is about and just wait until she sees you at the reunion so you can invite her over and show her your latest trophy mount. Something of the wooly mammoth variety.

Of course, the only thing to trump an extinct hairy elephant would be a human being, but we don’t condone that sort of activity. Because it is apparently illegal. But if you absolutely must have a used-to-be-alive animal in your living quarters, you must do it up right. We’re not talking deers and raccoons. Think bigger and more badass. Now, while we are not suggesting you grab your BB gun and head to the Serengeti, we are here to tell you what the best mounts to mount are...er, nail to the wall. Um, put in your house. Yeah, that's the phrase we’re looking for.

Giraffe

Like, an entire giraffe. They don’t strike fear in a human like maybe a lion would, but they would be an instant conversation piece at every party you ever hosted. We have no idea how they took this bastard down, but who wouldn't want an 18-foot-tall formerly-breathing giraffe gracing their living room? The color may not go with your IKEA decor, but come on. It's a giraffe.

Remember: Buy a matching giraffe print rug.

Elephant

We're not talking your grandaddy's elephant head he bought from a gypsy during his second tour in the Pacific. This trophy mount will take up the better portion of your backyard. Just to double-check the difficulty of this mount (hehe), we made a cal to a local taxidermist about stuffing a regular-sized African Elephant. We don't speak Russian, but we’re pretty sure he passed on the job.

Remember: Chicks love tusks. Get one with large tusks.

Hippo These mounts are as rare as synchronized orgasms (among consenting humans, that is). They are elusive because they can hang under muddy waters for hours and have hide that can deflect bullets. And don't be fooled by these slow-moving tubs of river shit. They are badass and will get you if you don't get them first. You know what that wall has been lacking in your apartment? A hippopatamus. We know you’ve already thought of it.

Remember: Tell your taxidermist to leave the hippo's mouth open, because that's the stuff of champions.

King Cobra

Don't try nabbing one of these on your own. Hire a local de loco to get one or just go on-line and buy one that's already primed and stuffed -- it beats being bitten to death by the king of slithering beings. Some people opt for the skin of a python to stretch across their wall like scaly wallpaper, but nothing looks more trophy than a coiled king cobra greeting guests as they walk through your door. Just considering this possibility will put some hair on your ass.

Remember: Don't look a dead cobra directly in the eyes. They are of the devil.

Great White Shark

You're gonna' need a bigger boat and an even bigger set of balls to stare at this monster mounted on your wall every day. Nothing will raise your man-level like having this ocean predator poised adjacent to your 27” TV. We feel we should tell you that some experts say that the Great Whites are endangered and we should go the extra mile to protect them. We say, who died and made them experts?

Remember: Keep "Once Bitten, Twice Shy" by Great White on your stereo loop. 1 in 20 guests will appreciate the 'wink, wink, nod, nod'.

(Snake and Fizz are rockstars and the twisted wankers behind this site. Follow them on Twitter.)

S&F's Hottie Of The Week: Taylor Swift

S&F tip our boas to Taylor who demonstrated class and composure during King Kong Wanker, Kanye West's absurd outburst at the V.M.A.'s on Sunday.

Kanye West Wins Douchbag of the Year Award

MTV Shows

We know it's only September, but we decided to give out our Douchebag of the Year award a little early. Kanye West has done many a bonehead thing in the past -- like say George Bush hates black people, then a month later say he doesn't care about politics, or stand up and start screaming at the Grammy's because he didn't win Best New Artist -- but taking the microphone out of a kid's hand while she is making her acceptance speech tops them all.

And for that, my friend, you win Douchebag of the Year. We, of course, are not the only ones endorsing this award. Here's what some of your fellow celebs had to say about it on Twitter:

PinK: Kanye west is the biggest piece of shit on earth. Quote me.

Adam Lambert: Kanye needs to chill. He freaks out every year. It ain't that deep man.

Christina Applegate: I love seeing good people doing even greater things. Beyonce is a class act. Now,on the other hand seeing douches doing douchy things....

Dane Cook: Kanye did something incredible tonight. He made me like country music. Kanye is now a Kanyunt.

Heidi Montag: @taylorswift13 don't let that evil steel your thunder!!!!! This is your big night!!

Katy Perry: FUCK U KANYE. IT'S LIKE U STEPPED 0N A KITTEN.

And Kelly Clarkson may have summed it up best on her blog:

Dear Kanye,

What happened to you as a child?? Did you not get hugged enough?? Something must have happened to make you this way and I think we’re all just curious as to what would make a grown man go on national television and make a talented artist, let alone teenager, feel like shit. I mean, I’ve seen you do some pretty shitty things, but you just keep amazing me with your tactless, asshole ways. It’s absolutely fascinating how much I don’t like you. I like everyone. I even like my asshole ex that cheated on me over you…which is pretty odd since I don’t even personally know you. The best part of this evening is that you weren’t even up for THIS award and yet you still have a problem with the outcome. Is winning a moon man that much of a life goal?? You can have mine if it will shut you up. Is it that important, really??

I was actually nominated in the same category that Taylor won and I was excited for her…so why can’t you be?? I’m not even mad at you for being an asshole…I just pity you because you’re a sad human being.

On a side note, Beyonce has always been a class act and proved again tonight that she still is. Go TEXAS!!

Luckily, Beyonce is a class act and brought Taylor out on stage during her own acceptance speech for Video of the Year and let the gal have her moment. And in case you haven't seen it, here is Ms. Swift's winning video.

(Snake and Fizz are rockstars and the twisted wankers behind this site. Follow them on Twitter.)

Fire in the Hole

Submitted by Snake & Fizz contributor, Jerry Lucio.

(Snake and Fizz are rockstars and the twisted wankers behind this site. Follow them on Twitter.)

Oregon Running Back Lagarrette Blount's Sucker Punch

Univeristy of Oregon running back, Lagarrette Blount, sucker punched Byron Hout last week to open the college football season. Nice right, Lagarrette.

Video Blast from the Past: Jane Wiedlin's "Rush Hour"