Snake and Fizz give two bottles up for our movie of the week, Funny People.
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July 2009
July 31, 2009
July 30, 2009
July 29, 2009
Group Taxonomy: The 5 Types of Groupies
By Isaac G.
Ask most musicians why they do it and they will give you the same, lame, answer: “Yeah, man. I’m totally in it for the music.” Come on, why are you really in it? “Okay, you got me. I’m in it for the road sluts.” That’s right; the sole existence of music revolves around those glorious pixies willing to strut around backstage in their skirts and glitter, waiting to be ravaged by their rock idols. Here are the top-five most recognizable groupie types, as published in one of academia’s most revered scientific journals: “The Traveling Pussy”
The Trailer Terror
Be very wary of the trailer terror. They usually travel in packs and reek of poverty. Their clothes will most likely be from K-mart and their accessories will be tacky and garish. They may look hot, but they will most likely contain some form of the herps and will promptly badger you for a Hot Pocket when you are done. These working-poor groupies are trashy but amusing. They are easily identifiable, for they all contain a very specific brand on their lower back, commonly referred to as the “tramp stamp.” Their aspirations usually consist of being on VH1’s "Rock of Love" and getting to bone Bret Michaels.
The Wrist Cutter
This breed of groupie is all the rage right now due to the pitiful state of rock music. When not on Myspace or blogging about personal demons, these dour Debbies spend their time perusing stadiums for musicians in black guy-liner. Be advised that Wrist Cutters — or Emo Cum Dumpsters (ECD’s) as they are colloquially known in some circles— usually demand bizarre sexual behavior. Some of the requisite fetishes of the ECD’s include: reciting Edgar Allan Poe poetry while fondling your scrotum, updating their LJ mid-coitus, and yelling, “you just don’t get me!” during climax. ECD’s can be freaks in the back of a tour bus but carry more baggage than Led Zeppelin’s tour jet could ever contain. Life is pain [insert frowny face]. Sigh.
The Rebellious Princess
This is by far the most dangerous of the groupies. They are girl-next-door types who are just dying to jump off of their pink canopy beds and into the laps of bad-boy rockers. These girls are usually in the “experimental” part of their lives and will grow up to be respectable women, which means they will probably think you are a loser by the time they are twenty-five. Thus, be sure to take advantage of them now while they are still ripe and dumb. But axe-slingers beware, whereas other groupies might take your dignity, these bright-eyed vixens are fully capable of taking your heart. Think Kate Hudson as “Penny Lane” in Cameron Crowe’s Almost Famous.
The Midwestern Chubby
The Midwestern Chubby is the most abundant and plentiful creature in the groupie kingdom. They are like a heard of bison roaming around summer festivals looking to gobble up as much rock star pud as humanly possible. Usually hailing from Kansas, Ohio, or Nebraska they have nothing better to do then try and test your Yager-goggles. One of their most definable characteristics is their propensity for “blumpkins." MC’s are useful when a band feels sorry that their roadies are not getting any. Hence, it is not uncommon for a band member to say: “I got you, man. Here’s a Midwestern Chubby. She gives great dome.” Roadie: “Thanks, that’s so thoughtful. By the way, I changed the strings on your Telecaster, should be good now.”
The Rapper's Delight
Let’s face the crunk juice: these days rap stars ARE the rock stars. No scientific inquiry into groupie classification would be complete without the badonkadonk-shaking, Weezy-loving, Rihanna-defending, queen B’s. Hipsters and their anti-materialism shtick need not apply. These gals gravitate toward cash money millionaires with mad bread to break up. The scrappiest of all groupie types, they are likely to kick you where it hurts if you get out of line. RD’s are known to utter these glorious words after sex: “Yo, got any chronic?” Hell, yeah, I got chronic. BITCH.
(Snake and Fizz are rockstars and the twisted wankers behind this site. Follow them on Twitter.)
Erin Andrews Introduces Herself as "Naked"
So you remember how Erin Andrews of ESPN fame was all naked and getting video taped through a peep hole in a hotel room recently? Well she thought it was about to happen again, according to TMZ:
In the call, before she even says her name, Andrews says "I've been in the news recently about being in a hotel naked." She goes on to say, "I did nothing wrong and I'm being treated like f***ing Britney Spears and it sucks."
We love how she identified herself as the naked one before saying her name. Much like how we always introduce ourselves as the ones who laugh at midgets or the ones who made out with a chimp.
(Snake and Fizz are rockstars and the twisted wankers behind this site. Follow them on Twitter.)
July 27, 2009
July 26, 2009
Smell Just Like Amy Winehouse
Every now and then a report comes out that is just so crazy it couldn't be made up. Well, this is one such report. Rumors are flying that Amy Winehouse and her equally-crazy dad are trying to market a perfume with her name on it. As in, "Vomit: The Amy Winehouse Collection".
There are a few things that might make this a marketing headache. For starters, the gal doesn't quite look like she emits a nice smell. Two, your faceperson is missing several teeth, snorts vodka, and looks like a caucasian Ghandi in drag. The third obstacle would be the name of the fragrance.
Usually the name of a perfume should evoke a sensual/sexy thought and have at least something to do with the celeb's image. Like J-Lo's "Glow after Dark", Paris Hilton's "Siren", and Christina Aguilera's "By Night". Luckily, we have a crack marketing department we asked to come up with some possible names for Ms. Winehouse's perfume. Here's what they gave us:
"Thigh Stank"
"Whore"
"Backseat Sweat"
"Frontseat Sweat"
"Motor Oil"
"Beef Jerkey"
"Cabbage"
"Feet"
"Swampy Mist"
"Regurgitated Vodka"
"Nasal Drip"
"Vampira"
We'll keep working on it. Regardless of the name, the reviews have already been filtering in from the few that have sampled the smelliness. Here is our favorite:
"Upon first putting Ms. Winehouse's scent on my wrist, I noticed it immediately discolored my skin's pigmentation and I felt a deep burning sensation. Shortly after, I started to feel nauseous and my crotch started to itch. When I raised my wrist to my nose and inhaled deeply, I was transported to a whorehouse I once visited in Thailand where I endulged in women and broiled mussels.
"Thankfully, a truckdriver had hit a skunk outside my office and I scooped it up and shoved my face in its ass. I felt immediate relief, however, the spots I saw still have not gone away."
July 24, 2009
Report: Michael Jackson Was Murdered
This just in from TMZ:
Law enforcement sources tell us the L.A. County Coroner is scheduled to release the autopsy results in Michael Jackson's death next week, and the cause of death will "almost certainly" be homicide -- death at the hands of another.
We're told the Coroner himself will make the call mid-week, after he gets the final toxicology report from an outside consultant. But based on the draft report as well as what has become "clear evidence," causes other than homicide -- natural, accidental, accidental overdose, and suicide -- have been ruled out.
If there is any humor to pull out of all this, it's that the word 'Coroner' sounds funny after a few six-packs.
July 22, 2009
Top Ten Celebrity Butterfaces
10. Karen Angle
9. Brooke Hogan
8. Heidi Montag
7. Lisa Rinna
More hot bods/gross faces after the jump.
July 21, 2009
Hot Golfer Chick
We'd like to give her a 'Hole In One'...or should I say, 'One In The Hole.'
What would Bill Murray say?
July 20, 2009
July 17, 2009
News from the Looney Bin: Mischa Barton is Coo-Coo
No one does a mug shot like our girl.
We're not denying that our former groupie Mischa Barton is bat-shit crazy. But we still love her. You all know she was recently checked into the looney bin against her own will, and now the producer of her latest movie is bashing her for it.
Here 'tis:
A producer on Mischa Barton's new flick "Homecoming" isn't thrilled she missed the NYC premiere after being involuntarily checked into a psych ward Wednesday. (Additionally, "Access Hollywood" is reporting that Barton is in the hospital under an involuntary 72-hour psychiatric hold.) "It's frustrating. And it's not ideal," Bingo Gubelmann told Usmagazine.com at the Thursday premiere. "It's frustrating, but I'm not going to sit here and trash her because we're young as a company and we've got to live and learn...I don't want to be known as the producer that will turn on any actress at the drop of that hat."
What hat? At the drop of the hat makes sense, but apparently the chap was referring to a specific hat at the premiere. Almost makes us wish we were there to see it. Head apparel aside, we think the real issue is the block's name: Bingo. As in...B-I-N-G-O...and Bingo was his Name-O. Alas, he goes on:
While rolling his eyes, Gubelmann continued that "it's hard to remember" why he chose Barton to star in his indie flick, "because, you know, she's not here right now. "Now, I haven't spoken to her yet because she's totally unreachable, so I don't know exactly what happened. I mean, I'm not as good at taking the high road as some people and yes, it would obviously be nice if she was here. Even just to hang out," he went on.
Hard to remember why he chose her? Hmmm, let's take a stab. Maybe you needed a somewhat of a name actress to help sell your piece of garbage film? And now that she is 5150, you couldn't be happier because you now have free publicity, Mr. Bingo. No, you are not as good as taking the high road as other people, but you are good at being a douche.
For Mischa fans, go here to see some lovely pics of her in various stages of disrobe. We recommend it.
July 16, 2009
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