In our continued salute to our tip-toed amigo, we give you one of his most memorable...
« May 2009 | Main | July 2009 »
June 2009
June 30, 2009
June 29, 2009
June 28, 2009
"The Little Rascals": Where Are They Now?
By Snake and Fizz contributor Isaac G.
So, you’re sitting on the shitter eating some Toaster Strudles, and you’re thinking, “what the hell happened to that adorable bunch of kids from that awesome 90’s movie?” Well, wonder no more, my friends, because we got the scoop. And let’s just say that being a child star isn’t always what it is cracked up to be. Just ask Macaulay Culkin. Here is an update:
Buckwheat, before and after:
Yes, it's true. Shortly after leaving the set of America’s most lovable little vagabonds, Buckwheat went straight to the rock. But despite some setbacks, Buckwheat hasn’t abandoned his love for the arts. You can currently catch him performing street theater in Venice were he will be reprising his role as “Passed Out and Shitfaced On The Sidewalk.” He even changed his signature catch-phrase to: “O-tay! My spaceship broke and I need some spare parts.”
Darla, before and after:
It’s no surprise that Darla turned into a boozing slut-train. Sources close to the set say that she would dish out hug-jobs left and right. Even Froggy (the awkward ginger with the raspy voice) said: “Yeah. I held hands with her once, but she wasn’t that good, so I hit and quit it. But that’s what I do, I’m a hustler.” You can currently catch Darla hanging out at Wal-Mart around 2 AM.
Alfalfa, before and after:
I bet you thought that the kid with the dong on his head was destined for great things. Turns out that being a star in a hit family film doesn’t qualify you for jack. Alfalfa abandoned the glitz of Hollywood after getting rejected for a role as an extra in Braveheart 2. He currently attends Sepulveda Online University where he is working on his master’s degree in cardboard street marketing.
June 24, 2009
June 23, 2009
June 22, 2009
June 21, 2009
Men in Leather Pants: The Two Acceptable Categories
By Snake and Fizz contributor Joel Stice.
Men, you shouldn’t be wearing leather pants. Especially if you don’t fit into one of these two categories:
1. Rock star: And no, that doesn’t mean you are one because your garage band knows “Shout at the Devil”. Think...watching two groupies snort coke of each other while you swig JD in your suite at the Hyatt -- after headlining the Pontiac Silverdome. Kind of like if your name is Snake or Fizz.
2. Member of an outlaw biker gang: You need to be at least on a few states’ most wanted lists and have a couple of teeth missing from balls-to-the-wall bar brawls. Going for weekend rides in Connecticut with your buddies from dental school doesn’t count. Ever. If you don’t fall into one of these two categories you’re just a douche bag propagating the death of an innocent cow. (Man, am I hungry for a burger!)
June 19, 2009
June 17, 2009
June 15, 2009
Dog Strollers
By Snake and Fizz contributor Joel Stice
Remember when people used to walk their dogs on leashes? That was so 2007. The dog stroller saves your pampered pet from having to actually walk around, sniff other dogs' arses, or take a dump in the grass like those less sophisticated mongrels. And as a bonus it informs everyone you pass –- “I’m a total tool, please avoid me at all costs."
You Know You're Metal When...
By Snake and Fizz contributor Isaac G.
Slappy, your best midget friend, looks like this:
The holiday greeting cards you send to your parents are brutal and totally bloody awesome:
Your pet rodent drinks beer, shoots guns, and eats Slim Jims:
Your first movie star crush was Linda Blair from The Exorcist:
June 13, 2009
Wannabe Stripper Accidents
This is what we call Marriage Material.
June 11, 2009
Endangered Polar Bears Commit Mass Suicide Because of Soda Contract
By Snake and Fizz contributor Adam Simmel
The horrific, bloody scene was unfortunately first discovered by teacher, Gloria Nussbaum, and her group of kindergartners on their annual class field trip to the Arctic. During their trek through the frozen tundra, Mrs. Nussbaum and her students stumbled across a glacial field covered in blood, shattered Coke bottles, one copy of Madea's Family Reunion, and 57 dead polar bears -- all wearing red scarves.
Mrs. Nussbaum refused to comment, and the children could not refrain from crying long enough to give an official statement. Polar bear enthusiast and 44-year-old virgin, Larry Marshall, immediately rushed over to the scene as soon as news broke. "Initially after examining the bodies, the glass cola-bottle shards I found impaled into their jugulars led me to believe they died of natural causes. After further review, I quickly realized that wasn't the case at all. I now believe it to be some kind of food poisoning."
Shockingly enough, it was neither. Coronary reports conclude it was a suicide, and that the polar bears used the very same product which brought them fame and fortune to ultimately end their lives. No suicide note was found at the scene. Scientists believe it's most likely because polar bears have "very poor penmanship," which they are "extremely sensitive about."
After Coca-Cola's disappointing fourth quarter sales this past holiday season, rumors had been circulating that the company may be parting ways with their long-time, furry mascots in search of a "fresh, new, face" -- even though they just renewed their other Christmas spokesperson for another five years.
"I was somewhat close with them," states Mr. Claus. "I was such a fan of their work I invited them up to The North Pole for Christmas dinner one year. It was a magical evening, until one of the the elves came to dinner wearing his new Bearded Seal cologne. Things turned ugly quite fast. After that we kind of had a falling out. Mainly because they never returned my copy of Madea's Family Reunion."
While some blame this tragedy on the poor economy and the lack of acting opportunities for arctic dwelling predators, others are pointing fingers at Coca-Cola. "The American public views polar bears as these cute and cuddly, gentle giants that will help you push your Christmas tree up a snowy hill and then offer you a Coke," says Landon Summers, vice-chairman of Coca-Cola. "But don't let their affinity for Tyler Perry fool you. Polar bears are actually quite intelligent. For years they took advantage of us and our advertising to hide the cold, hard truth about what they really are; Jew-hating, Nazi spies hell-bent on world domination. Who would want to buy a beverage from someone like that?"
When asked who will replace the polar bears come this holiday season, Mr. Summers replied, "We're very close to closing a deal with Mel Gibson."
Authorities still aren't sure exactly why those 57 polar bears decided to take their own lives, but this tragedy raises even bigger questions: Is this the beginning of the end for the polar bears? Are they truly on their way to extinction? And more importantly, what will happen to all their red scarves?
Although not certain about the future of the scarves, Larry Marshall seems optimistic about the future of the polar bears. He holds his head high, and -- with a hopeful gleam in his eye -- he reassures us, "If this Coca-Cola incident doesn't lead to the extinction of polar bears, global warming most definitely will."
June 05, 2009
11-Year-Old Graduates College to become World's Biggest Asshole
By Snake and Fizz contributor Mike Allen
Moshe Kai Cavalin, 11, graduates with honors from East Los Angeles Community College
this week, but just don't call him a genius. You might want to
call him an asshole.
"I consider myself a regular kid who works hard and does his best," says this only child of a Taiwanese mother and an Israeli father.
"If these are the results of this kind of match up, perhaps it should be outlawed. This is one giant asshole breed of people," said an unnamed college professor. Moshe started school at age 8, and without a doubt was the youngest person in the class. After several years, the kids at East L.A Community College with their mediocre averages noticed that perhaps he wasn't just a midget, but a child. Said a fellow graduate: "He kept screaming about how he was eight and not a damn midget or something. I felt bad for him, you know, because there's no other midget ass here at the school. Perhaps if there were, he wouldn't be such an asshole all the time. That guy sure loved him some juice boxes."
When he's not studying for finals, Moshe likes to relax and enjoy Astrophysics and martial arts. "My idols are Albert Einstein and Bruce Lee. I've already won numerous national martial arts titles. With my intelligence and my knowledge of the deadly arts, I'm probably the greatest person who ever lived," he said while smirking (Note: may or may not be an actual quote...okay, probably isn't).
When asked what he thought of video games he responded with "I feel it's a waste of time playing video games because it's not helping humanity in any way." He claims to want to use his knowledge to change the world. He's probably one of those guys who feels like Hitler's problem was he just didn't go far enough. Oh, and he didn't know karate. When confronted with the fact that East L.A Community College is a joke of a school and his degree in Communications would get him nowhere, he called us turds, and roundhouse-kicked our photographer in the balls. Little Moshe Cavalin might just be becoming the world's biggest asshole.
The Worst of...
Worst. Oral. Ever.
From Isaac G.
Happy 300th Post!
This is our 300th post, like ever. To commemorate the moment, here is a link to some wonderful human beings, also known as our fans. And a special raise of the glass to our new contributors. Look for more genius from them soon.
Keep the party alive, Mates!
Pages
Share
- Share with the World!
