By Snake and Fizz contributor Adam Simmel
The horrific, bloody scene was unfortunately first discovered by teacher, Gloria Nussbaum, and her group of kindergartners on their annual class field trip to the Arctic. During their trek through the frozen tundra, Mrs. Nussbaum and her students stumbled across a glacial field covered in blood, shattered Coke bottles, one copy of Madea's Family Reunion, and 57 dead polar bears -- all wearing red scarves.
Mrs. Nussbaum refused to comment, and the children could not refrain from crying long enough to give an official statement. Polar bear enthusiast and 44-year-old virgin, Larry Marshall, immediately rushed over to the scene as soon as news broke. "Initially after examining the bodies, the glass cola-bottle shards I found impaled into their jugulars led me to believe they died of natural causes. After further review, I quickly realized that wasn't the case at all. I now believe it to be some kind of food poisoning."
Shockingly enough, it was neither. Coronary reports conclude it was a suicide, and that the polar bears used the very same product which brought them fame and fortune to ultimately end their lives. No suicide note was found at the scene. Scientists believe it's most likely because polar bears have "very poor penmanship," which they are "extremely sensitive about."
After Coca-Cola's disappointing fourth quarter sales this past holiday season, rumors had been circulating that the company may be parting ways with their long-time, furry mascots in search of a "fresh, new, face" -- even though they just renewed their other Christmas spokesperson for another five years.
"I was somewhat close with them," states Mr. Claus. "I was such a fan of their work I invited them up to The North Pole for Christmas dinner one year. It was a magical evening, until one of the the elves came to dinner wearing his new Bearded Seal cologne. Things turned ugly quite fast. After that we kind of had a falling out. Mainly because they never returned my copy of Madea's Family Reunion."
While some blame this tragedy on the poor economy and the lack of acting opportunities for arctic dwelling predators, others are pointing fingers at Coca-Cola. "The American public views polar bears as these cute and cuddly, gentle giants that will help you push your Christmas tree up a snowy hill and then offer you a Coke," says Landon Summers, vice-chairman of Coca-Cola. "But don't let their affinity for Tyler Perry fool you. Polar bears are actually quite intelligent. For years they took advantage of us and our advertising to hide the cold, hard truth about what they really are; Jew-hating, Nazi spies hell-bent on world domination. Who would want to buy a beverage from someone like that?"
When asked who will replace the polar bears come this holiday season, Mr. Summers replied, "We're very close to closing a deal with Mel Gibson."
Authorities still aren't sure exactly why those 57 polar bears decided to take their own lives, but this tragedy raises even bigger questions: Is this the beginning of the end for the polar bears? Are they truly on their way to extinction? And more importantly, what will happen to all their red scarves?
Although not certain about the future of the scarves, Larry Marshall seems optimistic about the future of the polar bears. He holds his head high, and -- with a hopeful gleam in his eye -- he reassures us, "If this Coca-Cola incident doesn't lead to the extinction of polar bears, global warming most definitely will."
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