By Snake & Fizz contributor Isaac G.
From Barack Obama promising an era of “change” to baseball clubs like the Yankees and Mets getting new stadiums, it is safe to say that things are not what they used to be. Change can be great, but sometimes it’s nice to know that there are things you can always count on. Here are just a few social constants that make us feel warm and fuzzy.
Oprah Will Always Be Fat.
Those in the media can analyze the ebb and flow of Oprah’s ass cellulite all they want, but to every red-blooded male, she will always be television’s anti-boner. And that’s a good thing, because there is something endearing about turning on the TV when you’re hung-over and seeing Oprah’s gargantuan arm chubbies flailing about. Her truck-ass has become part of Americana, much like apple pie or the first Guns ‘N’ Roses album. I bet our ancestors will look back at our social history and be like: “Wow, that black chick on TV is really unattractive and fat. I’m not even kidding, did she eat all her money? Fat.”
Mexicans Will Always Wear Shirts On The Beach.
Being a Hispanic myself, I often ponder what it is about the culture that compels us to wear shirts on the beach. Is it body image? Fear of sun? A free wash? Some strange connection to the conquistadors of the 16th century? Whatever the reason, next time you go to the beach, count on seeing a gaggle of Hispanics splashing around with “Mannywood” T-shirts on. Case in point, check out the guy in the background without a shirt. He’s totally confused. “Hey, where the hell’s my shirt? W-T-F?”
Matthew McConaughey Movies Will Always Blow.
I’m sure you’re familiar with the Matthew McConaughey movie negotiation. Your girlfriend, in a whiny/sexy voice, goes: “Let’s go see (insert shitty Matthew McConaughey rom-com here).” And then you go: “Fine, but it’ll cost you 2 BJ’s and a 12-pack.” Point is: chicks think this guy is actually entertaining, and because that is true, the industry will always peddle his cinematic mud-butt, much to the chagrin of every man on the planet. Oh, how I hate you, Matthew McConaughey.
Bob Dylan Will Always Release New Music and Will Never Die.
I love Dylan, don’t get me wrong. The patron saint of the sixties counter-culture. A masterful songsmith. A man with few peers (except maybe Tom Waits. Oh, and Slayer. SLAYER!). But he is also, well…OLD AS F**k. Every coupla' years, he comes out with a new album that only wilted flower-children buy. Then, he goes on some corporate stadium tour where he is wheeled out on stage like a cancer patient, grunts a few senile, slurred, phrases, rips a dusty fart that nobody can call him on because he’s Bob Dylan, and expires to hang out with Andy Rooney. Hendrix has been enjoying his stay in heaven doing mounds of yack off of strippers asses for decades, and yet Dylan is still here preaching to a generation that watches "American Idol" and goes to Perez Hilton for information. Dylan will always be around to remind us of how much we have grown to suck as a society. News flash Zimmy—the Modern Times ain’t so great.
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Posted by: Lott34Araceli | May 21, 2010 at 02:32 PM