I'm no doctor, but I do feel qualified to offer you the ways to cure swine flu.
1. Visit a witch doctor.
Seriously, they cure everything. When was the last time Fizz tried to eat the wallpaper in a hotel lobby? I rest my case.
2. Have sex with someone who has swine flu already.
While this may cost money for a flight to Mexico, it will work. It's like getting vaccinated for polio and chicken pox. When's the last time you got polio? Exactly. Get to Mexico before they close the borders.
3. Drink rubbing alcohol.
What doesn't kill you, makes you stronger. And rubbing alcohol hasn't killed me. And somebody said it kills germs, too. I'm not sure about that, but that is an added bonus, I suppose.
4. Watch the "Brady Bunch" entire series in one sitting.
This one is going to be controversial, but I like to keep things interesting. If you watch the entire series without leaving the room, one of three things will happen: a) doctors will find a cure and beam it through your TV, so you'll be cured without even knowing it; b) you'll die of starvation instead of the swine flu; or c) you'll hang yourself from the ceiling fan by Season 2.
5. Have someone cut your head off.
A little unorthodox, but some of you are bloody crazy wankers. When a dog is suspected of having rabies, they cut its head off and check the brain stem for the disease. They can do the same for you. Of course, they could find out that you never had swine flu afterall, but that's a gamble you should be willing to take.
6. Google it.
There must be cures on google - even more than the seven cures I'm giving you here.
7. Pretend not to be a human.
Psyche the flu out. It can't attack certain objects or certain animals. Make it think you are one of those things it can't live inside of, like a tea pot or something. This will be particularly easy for those of you that are short and stout.
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