Snake & Fizz: Rock Star Diaries

Things You Can Always Count On In Life

By Snake & Fizz contributor Isaac G.
From Barack Obama promising an era of “change” to baseball clubs like the Yankees and Mets getting new stadiums, it is safe to say that things are not what they used to be. Change can be great, but sometimes it’s nice to know that there are things you can always count on. Here are just a few social constants that make us feel warm and fuzzy.

Oprah Will Always Be Fat.

Those in the media can analyze the ebb and flow of Oprah’s ass cellulite all they want, but to every red-blooded male, she will always be television’s anti-boner. And that’s a good thing, because there is something endearing about turning on the TV when you’re hung-over and seeing Oprah’s gargantuan arm chubbies flailing about. Her truck-ass has become part of Americana, much like apple pie or the first Guns ‘N’ Roses album. I bet our ancestors will look back at our social history and be like: “Wow, that black chick on TV is really unattractive and fat. I’m not even kidding, did she eat all her money? Fat.”

Mexicans Will Always Wear Shirts On The Beach.
Being a Hispanic myself, I often ponder what it is about the culture that compels us to wear shirts on the beach. Is it body image? Fear of sun? A free wash? Some strange connection to the conquistadors of the 16th century? Whatever the reason, next time you go to the beach, count on seeing a gaggle of Hispanics splashing around with “Mannywood” T-shirts on. Case in point, check out the guy in the background without a shirt. He’s totally confused. “Hey, where the hell’s my shirt? W-T-F?”

Matthew McConaughey Movies Will Always Blow.
I’m sure you’re familiar with the Matthew McConaughey movie negotiation. Your girlfriend, in a whiny/sexy voice, goes: “Let’s go see (insert shitty Matthew McConaughey rom-com here).” And then you go: “Fine, but it’ll cost you 2 BJ’s and a 12-pack.” Point is: chicks think this guy is actually entertaining, and because that is true, the industry will always peddle his cinematic mud-butt, much to the chagrin of every man on the planet. Oh, how I hate you, Matthew McConaughey.

Bob Dylan Will Always Release New Music and Will Never Die.

I love Dylan, don’t get me wrong. The patron saint of the sixties counter-culture. A masterful songsmith. A man with few peers (except maybe Tom Waits. Oh, and Slayer. SLAYER!). But he is also, well…OLD AS F**k. Every coupla' years, he comes out with a new album that only wilted flower-children buy. Then, he goes on some corporate stadium tour where he is wheeled out on stage like a cancer patient, grunts a few senile, slurred, phrases, rips a dusty fart that nobody can call him on because he’s Bob Dylan, and expires to hang out with Andy Rooney. Hendrix has been enjoying his stay in heaven doing mounds of yack off of strippers asses for decades, and yet Dylan is still here preaching to a generation that watches "American Idol" and goes to Perez Hilton for information. Dylan will always be around to remind us of how much we have grown to suck as a society. News flash Zimmy—the Modern Times ain’t so great.

Advice From Frank “The Poon Slayer”

By Snake & Fizz contributor, Isaac G.

Hey, Folks. My name is Frank. I feel that unbridled passion is the key to life. Sharing these passions with others makes our stay on earth special. That is why I devote most of my time to my two loves —- slaying vag and smoking huge blunts.

Because I have clobbered many a vag, I feel it is my duty to impart my wisdom on the world at large. Let’s answer some email.

Steve in Oxnard, CA writes: “Dear Frank, I have a real problem. I am having trouble getting my girlfriend to concede to anal intercourse. I love her dearly (we even watched “The Notebook” together) and I feel that anal sex will bring us closer. I really want to share this experience with her, but unfortunately she’s not as open minded about it as I am. Any suggestions on how to get her to open up, both figuratively and in the rear? Thanks so much!!”

Steve, don’t feel discouraged. This is a delicate subject for most women. In fact, the majority of females require some heavy cajoling in order for them to acquiesce to the notion of sodomy. It is important that you consider her feelings and take the discourse slow. You two are a team and want to get there together.

So here’s what you do:
When she’s not looking, slip her a sleeping pill and wait for her to pass out. Then, flip her over, lube her up, and pound her sweet cheeks like you’re the dude from American Idol with the Emo haircut. She will never know (unless you’re black, in which case please refrain from said heavy pounding unless you want a murder on your hands). That’s it for this week, Folks. Take care and be kind to one another!

About me: When not slaying poon or smoking huge blunts, I spend most of my time watching old Nickelodeon programs like, “Are You Afraid of the Dark?” For advice, email frankthepoonslayer@gmail.com.

Granny Strikes Gold!

(Not the Granny in question.)

From The Post Chronicle:

New Jersey native Patricia Demauro has set a world record for the longest-ever craps roll on May 23, 2009 at the Borgata Hotel Casino & Spa. According to reports, Demauro successfully managed to roll the dice 154 times for a total of four hours and 18 minutes before rolling craps.

Why cant I be that lucky? She started out with $100! That never happens to me -- I usually start out with 100 large, but end up losing my bling almost immediately. I guess Grandma here broke the record by saying,"Come on! Mama needs a new walker!" Then she rolls the dice between her sagging funbags and yells, "Bingo..I mean, seven!"

(From Snake & Fizz contributor, Jerry Lucio)

The Five Hottest Animated News Reporters of All Time

By Snake & Fizz contributor, Randy Walker.

Let’s face it, these days the news on TV is pretty bleak. The only thing that can make it tolerable is if a hottie in a v-neck is giving it to you (the news, we mean). Another thing that never fails to cheer us up is a good old piece of ass animation. When you mix these two great things together you’re guaranteed a fun, arousing time. Which is why we have complied: The Five Hottest Animated News Reporters of All Time.

5. Trisha Takanawa, from "Family Guy"

Asian reporter, Trisha Takanawa, can make even the most exciting story seem mundane with her deadpan delivery. But damn if we don’t find ourselves wanting to get a full view of her quahog. Bonus fact: she slept with Quagmire for the sake of a news story, and if that walking sexually transmitted disease could hit it...then you probably can, too!

4. Diane Simmons, from "Family Guy"
While Diane is technically an anchorwoman, she has an ample animated bosom, so we’re willing to make an exception in her case. Diane’s on-air talents include putting down minorities, exposing her nipples, and being spanked by her mustachioed co-anchor Tom Tucker. Yeah, the lady’s alright.

3. Nancy Gribble, from "King of the Hill"

If Hank Hill is the King of the Hill than Nancy is the Queen of husband-cheating, Native American-loving, mediocre weather reporting hotties. Thanks to Nancy and her feminine charm, the male population of Arlen has learned to love vague and muddled reports on the weather. Nancy has been known to show love to both the strong athletic type and the paranoid delusional type. So if you want her attention either pick up a dumbbell or start a Ron Paul blog, ok shug?

2. April O’Neil, from "Teenage Ninja Mutant Turtles"

I don’t really have to give April an introduction, do I? I mean this is the girl that gave an entire male generation their first Saturday morning boner. The Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles would have been awesome with or without April, but her presence on the show gave us all hope that when we grew up to be ninja turtles, there would be a hot news reporter in a yellow jumpsuit who would like nothing more than to do “news reports” on us. And when we say news reports, we really mean BJs.

1. Joan Rivers, from E! and other stuff

Admit it, you thought she was a real person, didn’t you? Don’t beat yourself up, it’s a common mistake. The truth is she’s made of recycled Tupperware plastic and old discarded rubber. Regardless, there is no arguing the fact that this animated red carpet reporter is absurdly hot. No wonder she has never been the butt of anyone’s jokes. Let’s hope the next hundred years will be as kind to her tight, lively body as the last hundred years.

Video Blast From The Past: "The Final Countdown"

Fun With Google Images: "Mangina"

Dude Looks Like a Lady

"Tom, I really love spending time with you...and kissing you." Cue the suspenseful music. Submitted by Snake & Fizz contributor, Sean M.

7-Year-Old Rockstar

Some kids are born rock stars like us, except white. (Make sure you stay tuned for what he thinks his punishment should be at the 1:20 mark.) Submitted by Snake & Fizz contributor, Sean M.

Sir Ian McKellen is...Burger King!

This is Sir Ian McKellen's best work. He always wanted to make a burger commercial whilst cross-promoting a kid's cartoon about a sponge that wears shapely pants.

Dry Off, Then Wear That Motherf@#$er!

HolyTaco has a great video up today that shows a bunch of non-union actors and models before they killed themselves because their lives were so meaningless.

Die, Guppy, Die!

(This dude could use some Head & Shoulders.)

By Snake & Fizz contributor, Jerry Lucio.

"Wow, that smells good, what shampoo is that?" said the guppy to another guppy.

Why would you pour shampoo in a fish tank to prove that it has toxic chemicals that would kill guppies? Because you can. And that's what a Danish reporter, Lisbeth Koelster, did for a consumer affairs show back in 2004. Well your sins will find you out, because yesterday she was convicted of animal cruelty charges in Denmark. I guess the Statute of Limitations had passed -- so no jail time -- but her conditions of probation are bad enough.

They are as follows:

-- No fishing (of course). She also cannot own fish of any kind.
-- No shampoo of any kind in her possession for the next three years. That'll definitely increase her sex life, I'm sure.
-- 25 hours of community service at her nearest aquarium, which includes but not limited to washing the shark tanks while on her period.
-- She can not conduct product experiments without consulting with PETA or at least with someone claiming to have common sense.
-- She must watching the below video.

Miss US-Gay Basher!

Snake and Fizz like to stay abreast (two, usually) of current events. So we paid particular attention to the Miss USA pageant, but were upset to hear Miss California's comments about our fruits -- uh, we mean 'friends' -- of the gay persuasion.

Hot Chicks Making Out...Need We Say More?

Snake and Fizz give these birds two bones up! Their families must be proud.

Cheesus!

(By Snake & Fizz contributor, Jerry Lucio.)

I know we have seen these Jesus and Mary shapes before, but when will it stop! Here's my question: if I find a flaming hot Cheetos Satan-looking Cheeto, what does that mean? Is the devil sending me a sign? Should I avoid Hot Cheetos even though they are so damn good? Cheesus, please tell me what should I do when Flaming Hot Cheesifer tries to recruit me!

In related news, some dude found Elvis hiding in a bag of Doritos.

Lindsay Lohan on eHarmony

Been there...done that.

Lindsay Lohan's eHarmony Profile from Lindsay Lohan

Lifting Weights Makes You Pee

Ever wanted to see a chick with muscles pee because she's lifting so much weight? Well, Christmas has come early. Pay clsoe attention to the spot forming on the mat after she squats.

Marriage material, Friends. Marriage material.

National Treasure 3: The Quest for Dr. Pepper

You know those crap movies about treasure hunting starring Angelina Jolie's wrinkled pops and the guy who grabbed Elizabeth Shue's boobs in Leaving Las Vegas? Well, get ready fro a third installment of poop as soon as Jerry Bruckheimer gets word of this find out of Dallas.

From MSN:

Poking through antiques stores while traveling through the Texas Panhandle, Bill Waters stumbled across a tattered old ledger book filled with formulas. He bought it for $200, suspecting he could resell it for five times that. Turns out, his inkling about the book's value was more spot on than he knew.

The Tulsa, Okla., man eventually discovered the book came from the Waco, Texas, drugstore where Dr Pepper was invented and includes a recipe titled "D Peppers Pepsin Bitters."

"I began feeling like I had a national treasure," said Waters, 59.

Dr Pepper's manufacturer says the recipe is not the secret formula for the modern day soft drink, but the 8 1/2-by-15 1/2 inch book is expected to sell between $50,000 to $75,000 when it goes up for auction at Dallas-based Heritage Auction Galleries on May 13.

Luckily for you guys, Fizz was in Fort Worth seeing a guy about an armadillo and made the trip over to Dallas to find out more about the ledger. It turns out, there was more than just Dr. Pepper's formula in it. Here is a partial list of the other national treasures found in the ledger:

-- Original design and test results for tampons.

-- A journal entry from 1891 about a time machine that landed in Texas containing a passenger named Spencer Pratt from 2009. Apparently the townspeople hated him and plotted his demise.

-- The word "douchebag" is invented (related to the Spencer Pratt journal reference).

-- Shooting milk out of the nose contests are outlawed in Texas.

-- A secret formula to make people fat is listed. It's called "hamburger diet".

-- e = mc2 is first written by a beet farmer named Cletus who married his mom.

-- A diagram for licking toads is drawn. Apparently we've been doing it wrong all these years.

-- Instructions on how to tuck it like Silence of the Lambs.

On a side note, it was announced the owner of the antique shop has used the $200 he made on the sell to buy all the sleeping pills he could get his hands on and plans on ingesting them all at once.

Video Blast from the Past: The Buggles

Help from Urban Dictionary: Hanging Brain

It's a service we provide: Educating the world's youth about language and communication. That's why we feature the Urban Dictionary quite often on our site. Today's term is "hanging brain" Below, you will find the three entries -- with examples -- of the term. Now you can be as streetwise as your grandmum!

1. The act of pulling one's scrotum (testicles included) through the opening in one's pants or shorts, thus exposing the beauty of one's gonads for all to admire. Named for the remarkable resemblance of the display to a human brain, hanging in the breeze.

Dude was hanging brain at The Coney for almost an hour before he got busted by some chick drinking Yeungling.

2. When your balls hang out the leg of your shorts and you are not even aware of it. This commonly occurs when you lean back and put your legs up, while in a seated position and you're rockin short, loose-fitting bottoms, i.e., short shorts or short swim trunks.

Being stoned helps, too. This occurs with a much higher degree of frequency in wearers of boxers than in wearers of more supportive undergarments.

Did you see that? Tom was hanging brain the whole time he was hitting on that chick! I wonder if she noticed?

3. Another way of saying just chilling. or nothin....common replies to the question of "whats up?" or "whats going on?"
or
The means in wanting to "get some" or have some sort of sexual activity with the opposite sex.

Guy1: Hey, yo Dood? Was good?
Guy2: Ow just hanging brain, Man.
or
Guy1: What do you wanna do, Mayne?
Guy2: All I know, is I wanna hang brain!
Guy1: K. Lets call some girls!

So go tell your friends, Kids. And use it in a sentence.

(Major tips o' the mug to the first entry for working one of our favorites -- Yeungling -- into the definition.)

Back By Popular Demand: The Party Checklist

We don't always repost our genius, but you've been asking for it. Many of you have come to us in the past for advice on throwing the best parties and a while back we decided it was time to provide a visual aid (see above) along with our preferred party checklist (see below). You're welcome.

Fat Dude -- Check

Fat Dude Who Can "Sky" Ninja-Style -- Check

Fat Dude with Shirt Open and Wearing a Tie -- Check

Computer Code Projected Onto Wall -- Check

Roll of Printing Paper (Stolen from Local Wendy's Cash Register) -- Check

Bling Hanging on School Backpack -- Check

Dainty Tablecloth with Rocking Horse Pattern -- Check

Elijah Wood Hanging Out in the Background -- Check

Dual-Colored Mangina Showing Through Rip in Crotch -- Check

Note: Party Douchebags can be found in prep schools and hanging out in the Applebee's parking lot.