Snake & Fizz: Rock Star Diaries

A Gene Simmons and Condoleezza Rice Rendevouz

Condoleezza Rice has joined the KISS army. Check it out:

The Kiss Army fan club has an enthusiastic new recruit: Secretary of State Condoleezza Rice.

Rice was in the Swedish capital Thursday for an international conference on Iraq. Kiss had a sold-out concert to play Friday.

"I was thrilled," Rice said of her late-night encounter with Kiss frontman Gene Simmons and bandmates Paul Stanley, Eric Singer and Tommy Thayer in the executive lounge of the Sheraton Hotel where they signed autographs and handed out backstage passes and T-shirts to her staff.

"It was really fun to meet Kiss and Gene Simmons," she told reporters, noting that they seemed well-informed about current events. The band had asked if she could stop by after she finished dinner with the Swedish foreign minister and Rice readily agreed, she said.

Rice, a classically trained pianist, said she has eclectic musical tastes ranging from Beethoven to Bruce Springsteen.

Hard rockers such as Kiss are included in the mix, and Rice said her favorite Kiss tune is "Rock and Roll All Nite."

But, Rice conceded, she has never seen the band in concert.

The Secretary of State did go on to say that she has seen Snake & Fizz in concert on several occasions. We remember her as "that crazy dame who lit her hair on fire." Good times.

Fonz in Bronze

We've performed in Milwaukee a few times and this makes us want to go back immediately:

MILWAUKEE (AP) -- Downtown Milwaukee will soon have a permanent reminder of the "Happy Days" television show.

A bronze statue of Arthur "Fonzie" Fonzarelli, played by Henry Winkler, will be dedicated Aug. 19 along the Milwaukee River, VISIT Milwaukee announced Tuesday.

"Happy Days," which was set in Milwaukee, aired from 1974 to 1984.

Most of the show's stars are expected to attend the ceremony, including Winkler, Marion Ross, Tom Bosley and the show's creator, Garry Marshall. Penny Marshall and Cindy Williams from "Laverne & Shirley," a spinoff of "Happy Days," also are expected to attend.

Oh, Cindy Williams, you minx.

Snake & Fizz...Actors?

Snake & Fizz -- like most celebs -- have been approached many times about starring in feature films and TV shows. We know we're naturals at the craft, but our moron manager tried to make us go to acting classes anyway. We checked out a few and decided against it. Much like this mindless sham that drains the money of LA's most gullible.

Steven Tyler Falls off the 20 Year Wagon

If Joan Rivers procreated with a muppet...

Our pal Steven Tyler quit the fruits of life back in the 80's and became...well, bloody dull. But he recently started sampling substances again and is now headed to Amy Winehouse's world.

Aerosmith frontman Steven Tyler has checked himself into rehab for treatment of substance abuse. The 60-year-old rocker has admitted himself to a Pasadena, California clinic for unspecified treatment. The former hell-raiser managed to stay sober for 20 years before re-entering a substance abuse program. He first sought treatment in 1986 after finding himself under pressure from his bandmates to clean up his act. According to website Tmz.com, Tyler will undergo detox at Las Encinas Hospital drug rehabilitation clinic - the same facility where Hollywood Madame Heidi Fleiss, rocker Sebastian Bach and pop star Aaron Carter will be treated as they make a public attempt at sobriety on reality TV program Celebrity Rehab next month. The singer and Aerosmith guitarist Joe Perry were dubbed the Toxic Twins for their legendary intake of heroin and stimulants before the band's demanding schedule clashed with their major drug abuse, leading to their brief disbanding in the 1980s. It has been a tough month for the rocker, whose daughter Liv Tyler recently went public with her split from rocker husband Royston Langdon. Tyler credited his actress daughter's influence for his first successful attempt at sobriety. Tyler's spokesperson has declined to comment on his current condition.

Rumor has it when Steven strolled up to the front of the center to check in, an orderly opened the door and said, "Walk this way." That's just lame, Mate.

But at least the lovely Liv is single again.

Denise Richards Needs Semen

It's too long and we're too lazy to post the whole story here, but basically Denise Richards is claiming her drug-addled ex-hubby, Charlie Sheen doctored an e-mail that has surface in which she claims to want Sheen to be a sperm donor for a third child.

Here's the e-mail in question:

“Dear Brooke,

“I don't want to have a baby with Charlie. I am having a baby in the next year. By myself...my girlfriend suggested Charlie be the donor. SO, I did bring this up to him. There are so many couples having unhealthy children. Charlie and i have very beautiful healthy children together. I was strictly looking for a sperm donor if it's any of your business. If it were him, I said we would sign a document that he couldn't come after me and I couldn't come after him..this wasn't to have sex with him, it was him donating..that's it. I didn't want him to tell you at this time because it was something very personal that I'm doing myself.”

Denise claims she would have asked for Bon Jovi band member Richie Sambora's semen since they were dating at the time. Charlie Sheen says she's a lying whore. So in order to get tot he bottom of this, Snake and Fizz have decided to release the e-mails we have received from Denis Richards, Charlie Sheen, and Richie Sambora:

From: Denise Richards (drichards@hotchick.com)
To: Snake & Fizz (snakeandfizz@snakeandfizz.com)
Date: Wed, May 2, 2008 at 8:13 PM
Sub: Semen

Snake and Fizz,

I want your semen.

Love,
Denise
--------------------------
From: Chuck Sheen (emiliosbrother@drunkard.com)
To: Snake & Fizz (snakeandfizz@snakeandfizz.com)
Date: Wed, April 29, 2008 at 7:24 AM
Sub: Man Juice

Snake and Fizz,

Could I have some of your semen? I need it for something.

-Chuck
-------------------------
From: Richie (bonjovi@bonjovi.com)
To: Snake & Fizz (snakeandfizz@snakeandfizz.com)
Date: Wed, April 27, 2008 at 11:50 PM
Sub: Hey Guys

Snake and Fizz,

I am using Jon's e-mail account. Do you guys sell gentlemen's relish on this site? You should.

R.

Hot Chick Jessica Alba Likes Sex

Hey Mates, just because you are violating a dame does not mean she will love you until the end. So says Jessica Alba:

"I never believed women had to be virgins when they got married, or that a woman has to fall in love with a guy just because they're having sex."

Snake and Fizz applaud your every move, you saucy minx.

The Worst Metal Song Ever to Crack the Top Ten

Here's the worst metal song ever. Just because you have long hair and drums does make you legit. But keep up the praying, because that will drive gas prices down.

Douchebags.

A Friday Dose: The Runaways

They always made us feel a little giddy below the equator...if you know what we're saying. Here's "School Days" by The Runaways. TGIFF!

Mariah Carey and the Poopy Police

Mariah Carey only goes poopies when guards are posted outside the door. Don't believe us? Check out what our Holy Taco friends are saying.

Snake and Fizz say, if you wanna' watch rock stars drop a deuce, enjoy the show because we have nothing to hide - as evidenced by a bit of Fizz in this clip from our show.

Groupie of the Week: Rebecca Romijn

Sure, she's been with the short guy from "E.R." and "Full House", and now the fat kid from Stand By Me, but before that she was a super-groupie with Snake and Fizz. Enjoy the view, Mates.

Top 7 Days of the Week

7. Friday
Terrible television.

6. Wednesday
Why do people insist on making Hump Day jokes?

5. Tuesday
It's just dumb.

3 & 4. Tie: Monday & Saturday
Monday being the worst day is a cliche, but it shouldn't be because it would sound cool as the name of an ice cream sundae. Saturday is alright for fighting, so that ranks high in our book.

2. Thursday
We once witnessed a leprechaun punch a one-eyed hooker on a Thursday. And that's always cool.

1. Sunday
Because that's our fun day.

Darth Vader Drinks Box Wine

If it happened in our homeland, you know it's gotta' be rock 'n roll fun. This little party involves members of a Jedi church, a box of wine, and Darth Vader.

HOLYHEAD, Wales - A man who dressed up as Darth Vader, wearing a garbage bag for a cape, and assaulted the founders of a group calling itself the Jedi church was given a suspended sentence Tuesday.

Arwel Wynne Hughes, 27, attacked Jedi church founder Barney Jones — aka Master Jonba Hehol — with a metal crutch, hitting him on the head, prosecutors told Holyhead Magistrates' Court.

He also whacked Jones' 18-year-old cousin, Michael Jones — known as Master Mormi Hehol — bruising his thigh in the March 25 incident, prosecutors said.

The two cousins and Barney Jones' brother, Daniel, set up the Church of Jediism, Anglesey order, last year. Jedi is the faith followed by some of the central characters in the "Star Wars" films.

The group, which claims about 30 members, says on its Web site that it uses "insight and knowledge" from the films as "a guide to living a better and more worthwhile life."

"We all love the films and what they stand for. Obviously some people are going to laugh about it," the Wales on Sunday newspaper quoted Barney Jones as saying last month. "But a lot of people do take it seriously."

Unfortunately for Hughes, his March attack was recorded on a video camera that the cousins had set up to film themselves in a light saber battle.

"Darth Vader! Jedis!" Hughes shouted as he approached.

Hughes claimed he couldn't remember the incident, having drunk the better part of a 2 1/2-gallon box of wine beforehand.

"He knows his behavior was wrong and didn't want it to happen but he has no recollection of it," said Hughes' lawyer, Frances Jones.

District Judge Andrew Shaw sentenced Hughes to two months in jail but suspended the sentence for one year. He also ordered Hughes to pay $195 to each of his victims and $117 in court costs.

In the 2001 United Kingdom census, 390,000 — 0.7 percent of the population — listed Jedi as their religion.

So let's sort this: Darth Vader guzzled a spot the better portion of a box of wine, then donned a garbage bag for a cape -- because that's how Vader rolls. Then DV packs his weapon of choice -- a metal crutch -- and proceeds to bludgeon members of the Jedi church. Two of the guys involved like to be called "Hehol" (pronounced He Hole, as in hole of a man), and this all went down in "Holyhead".

This was the greatest party this earth has ever known. We're sorry we missed it.

Buckle Up the Beer, Not the Baby

This sort of mess is avoidable.

We already told you they know how to party in Australia. It also appears they put safety first when getting the supplies to the party. Read on, Mates...

DARWIN, Australia - An Australian man has been fined after buckling in a case of beer with a seat belt but leaving a 5-year-old child to sit on the car’s floor, police said Tuesday.

Constable Wayne Burnett said he was “shocked and appalled” when he pulled over the unregistered car Friday in the central Australian town of Alice Springs.

The 30-can beer case was strapped in between two adults sitting in the back seat of the car. The child was also in back, but on the car’s floor.

“The child was sitting in the lump in the center, unrestrained,” Burnett told reporters Tuesday.

“I haven’t ever seen something like this before,” he said. “This is the first time that the beer has taken priority over a child.”

The driver was fined 750 Australian dollars — about $710 — for driving an unregistered and uninsured vehicle and for failing to ensure a child was wearing a safety belt.

Come on. The beers were in cans and we all know what a mess that is if a can is dropped onto the plush interior of a moving vehicle. Australian authorities need to worry about catching the real criminals, like the chefs who cook Outback Steakhouse's bloody terrible food, or blokes who enjoy relations with kangaroos.

Happy Mothers' Day: Hot Mom Edition

It's Denise Richards, Bitches. Enjoy...

More luscious pics after the jump...

Party Like a 13-Year-Old

We can't wait to party with this kid.

A 13 year old from Texas who stole his Dad's credit card and ordered two hookers from an escort agency, has today been convicted of fraud and given a three year community order.

Ralph Hardy, a 13 year old from Newark, Texas confessed to ordering an extra credit card from his father's existing credit card company, and took his friends on a $30,000 spending spree, culminating in playing "Halo" on an Xbox with a couple of hookers in a Texas motel.

The credit card company involved said it was regular practice to send extra credit cards out as long as all security questions are answered.

The escort girls who were released without charge, told the arresting officers something was up when the kids said they would rather play Xbox than get down to business.

Police said they were alerted to the motel by a concerned delivery clerk, whom after delivering supplies of Dr Pepper, Fritos and Oreos had been asked by the kids where they could score some chicks and were willing to pay. They explained they had just made a big score at a "World of Warcraft" tournament and wanted to get some relaxation. On noting the boys age the delivery clerk informed the authorities.

When police arrived at the motel they found $3,000 in cash, numerous electronic gadgets, an Xbox video console with numerous games, and the two local escort girls.

Ralph had reportedly told police that his father wouldn't mind, as it was his birthday last week and he had forgot to get him a present. The father, a lawyer said he had been too busy, but would take him on a surprise trip to Disneyland instead.

Asked why he ordered two escorts, Ralph said he thought it was the thing to do when you win a "World of Warcraft" tournament. They told the suspicious working girls they were people of restricted growth working with a traveling circus, and as State law does not allow those with disabilities to be discriminated against they had no right to refuse them.

The $1,000 a night girls sensing something up played "Halo" on the Xbox with the kids, instead of selling their sexual services.

We'd like to pound a pint with our Holy Taco friends for pointing this out to us.

Remember To Touch Yourself

Top 10 Worst Franchises in Pro Sports

Snake and Fizz don't pretend to be experts on U.S. of A. sports, but we like to look at the ladies in cheerleading uniforms and the dames selling hot dogs. We also like a good event where we can reminisce about our shows in stadiums around the world while having a pint or twelve, but for now we'll defer to FOX Sports to break down the worst of the worst sports franchises for ya' sports fans.

10. Los Angeles Clippers
Donald Sterling, owner of the Los Angeles Clippers, is a man of many adjectives. We'll start with thrifty. Not only does he have a multi-page resume of skimping on talent, but he also once asked head coach Paul Silas to film the players himself to cut video expenses. Most of the Clippers' struggles can be traced to Sterling. Their .365 franchise winning percentage is the third-worst in the NBA and the Clippers have only had two winning seasons since Sterling bought the team in 1981.

Puzzling personnel plays: Drafting Michael Olowokandi, Lamond Murray, Darius Miles, Melvin Ely and failing to re-sign Lamar Odom

Remember ... 1986-87: The Clippers posted one of the ugliest NBA seasons in 1986-87 when they finished 12-70, which was the second-lowest winning record in NBA history. All-Star Norm Nixon missed the entire season after being injured in a celebrity softball game. His team started the season 3-3, but went on a 9-67 run to make them one of the worst sports franchises.

9. Vancouver/Memphis Grizzlies
The Vancouver Grizzlies were embarrassing in Canada and they haven't been much better since the move to Memphis. Vancouver compiled 56 wins throughout its first four seasons — a total that serious contenders top annually — and the team's downfall has been nightmarish draft days. From drafting role players and busts instead of superstars to drafting franchise players who don't want to play for their team, the Grizzlies have done exactly what's needed to become one of the worst sports franchises. Vancouver's draft-day trade of Steve Francis netted the team several players of no significance. Thankfully, drafting has improved since moving to Memphis.

Puzzling personnel plays: Trading Pau Gasol, Mike Bibby and Steve Francis, and drafting Bryant Reeves, Antonio Daniels and Shareef Abdur-Rahim.

Remember ... 1998-99: The thrill of reeling in Mike Bibby quickly died down, especially after Bryant Reeves suffered a season-ending knee injury 25 games in. A lockout shortened the season and the Grizzlies finished with eight wins.

8. Atlanta Hawks
The Atlanta Hawks, averaging 28 wins per season between 1999-00 and 2007-08, were the Eastern Conference's whipping boy until the Charlotte Bobcats entered the league. The good news is that the Hawks are chock-full of upside since they've been selecting at the top of virtually every draft over the last decade. On paper, the Hawks have more potential than most teams, but they haven't learned to win or remove themselves from the worst sports franchises list.

Puzzling personnel plays: Passing on Chris Paul and Deron Williams while trading for Antoine Walker, J.R. Rider and Pau Gasol.

Remember ... 2005: The Hawks, desperate for a point guard, spent their second-pick overall on Marvin Williams. The good news: Williams was filled with upside. The bad news: he played the same position as the Hawks' last two first-round picks, Josh Smith and Josh Childress. The worst news was that the Hawks passed on Chris Paul, Deron Williams and Raymond Felton, two of whom will be All-Star point guards for the next 10 years.

7. Minnesota Twins
"Moneyball" is to baseball what frugal is to cheap; it's a creative way of saying, "we're not going to pay for our stars or reward our veterans who have earned their keep." Sabermetrics and scientific stats are used to evaluate players and give a better indication of their worth, but teams like the Minnesota Twins use this strategy to kiss their superstars goodbye at the trade deadline or the first day of free agency. The Twins constantly sell proven veterans for prospects and draft picks, but when those youngsters finally develop, they get shipped away to start the cycle again. The Twins incessantly look to the future and winning now is not a priority. Translation: the Twins care more about the dollars than about winning.

Puzzling personnel plays: Trading Johan Santana and failing to re-sign Torii Hunter.

Remember ... 2002: A year removed from a contraction battle, the Minnesota Twins (under first-year manager Ron Gardenhire) make it to the American League Championship Series. With a solid roster and a light payroll, 2002 would have been the perfect season to sacrifice some future players to add some veteran players at the trade deadline and make a serious run. Instead, the Twins entered the playoffs with the youngest roster in the league and never stood a chance in the ALCS after beating fellow cheapskates, the Oakland Athletics, in the first round.

Scarlett Johansson's "Falling Down" Music Video

Our groupie Scarlett Johansson's new song is out. "Falling Down" is from her first album, Anywhere I Lay My Head. Snake and Fizz can tell you where's she's laid her head, if you get what we're saying. Anyway, check out the music video below.

A Salute: Laura Bush's Party Animals

The U.S. of A. First Lady may seem uptight and overly conservative, but as her daughter Jenna Bush's wedding gets closer, Snake and Fizz like to think back on the two party animals Laura Bush has provided us with: Jenna and Barbara.

Those two crazy twins love them some booze. Let's just hope they heed Snake and Fizz's sage advice on drinking.

Broken Record: Amy Winehouse Arrested

Amy Winehouse has been arrested yet again on drug charges. This shocking news comes via our homeland's paper, The Sun.

Winehouse's spokesman, Chris Goodman, said the arrest is connected to a video that is alleged to show the troubled singer taking drugs at a party in her home in north London.

Britain's The Sun tabloid in January published still images from a video that it claimed showed Winehouse inhaling fumes from a small pipe. The images were said to have been filmed during a party at her London home.

London's Metropolitan Police said a 24-year-old woman was arrested Wednesday on suspicion of drugs possession. Goodman confirmed his client was in police custody.

"Amy Winehouse voluntarily attended a London police station today by appointment. She was arrested in order to be interviewed and is cooperating fully with inquiries," Goodman said in a statement.

"The interview relates to a video handed to police earlier this year," he said.

The report went on to say that Amy's belongings were confiscated and will be kept until she is released. Those items include: a syringe, a half empty pint of ale, several broken teeth, and a chain saw. Lovely dame.